Frustration, slacking, end of the year demo

I've definitely been slacking in the ballet department... and blogging, too! I've gotten a touch frustrated with ballet lately. First of all, our class stops and starts a LOT, and the stopping tends to take forever. The kids I'm in class with have been doing ballet for nearly two full ballet years, but they still can't remember the basic terminology they've been doing every class, twice a week for those past two years. "xxx, what is a frappe?" Then we sit while the teacher shows the girl (or occasionally the one boy) what the movement is and tries to eek out the one-word definition from her. SO much of our class is spent doing this.

I skipped a Thursday two weeks ago and went this past Tuesday. Our class has started working on it's end of the year demonstration. I was stressing over whether or not I wanted to be in the demo, as my being an adult would stand out terribly on stage- yet, it would give me something to work towards and give me an opportunity to perform (no matter how poorly, haha!). Well, when I went to class Tuesday, our teacher told me and the other adult (the third only takes class once a week right now) that adults don't usually perform in the demonstration at the end of the year. That takes the dilemma of whether or not I do want to perform off the table (and on the plus side, the girls will be showing off their splits, and as we know, I cannot do a split- and yes, I'm still recovering from my outlandish attempt to do so!) But, well, I was actually leaning towards wanting to perform. I was going to invite my boyfriend and family to watch and everything. Thinking I would have the opportunity to do so was encouraging- I was coming home working quite a bit on my trouble areas, and improving. And now, it's a bit of a bummer, a bit of a discouragement, to know that I won't be able to perform.

Don't get me wrong- I can see the reasoning behind it. It's mostly a kids studio, and these kids have to be treated as though they will be professionals one day, while we all know us adults have long past that ability. It's just a bit of a drag, a bit of a let down.

On the plus side, since everyone is working on the demo, class is moving somewhat faster now, or at least it did Tuesday. We're dancing to different music, which has totally left me (and everyone else) confused, LOL. We didn't stop nearly as much to go over terminology, and DID stop to go over a move I was having trouble with. (I'm still having trouble picking up a few things. If the moves were taught before I started, those are the ones I really struggle with because I'm basically having to learn from others who often get it wrong. When I am shown the move correctly by the teacher, I usually have it down in no time.) On the downside, we also did a lot of practice sitting- sitting there very still so the kids could practice what they would have to do on stage (since they will perform, then sit on stage while others perform). I skipped Thursday's class as well.

I also realized there's no way I could do a summer intensive because, duh! I have a job.

I was going to cancel my Danceflix subscription, but now I think I'm going to keep it and start working more on the Finis Jhung series. I'm even considering dropping out of ballet until the next fall/new season begins. I think I will pick up a few more things first, then do that. And just work as I was doing initially- teaching myself at home. I now have a bunch of corrections to work on and when I checked out one of Finis's DVD sections the other day, which I haven't even looked at in months, it looks totally doable now that I have real class experience under my belt.

Edit: I forgot to add: I'm going to see a ballet this evening! It's being done by the school I took my first class from (the one where everyone was too busy chatting to ballet... though I may have to give that one another shot soon- hopefully the real instructor is off maternity leave by now). It is supposed to be their top-notch students, so hopefully *crosses fingers and points toes* this will give me the inspiration I need to get back to dancing!

Surviving Parent's Night, Today's Success at Discipline

Parent's Night
Just a quick note: my ballet practice today went wonderfully. Actually, let me back up: parent's night was lovely as well. My mom did attend, which was fun, and there weren't really but a couple of other parents there (including one with a super nice camera... please don't post my splits online or anywhere!) I messed up on quite a few things, but that was okay. We also have another adult, which makes for three of us now!

We go over terminology over and over and over again in class. For some reason, these kids just can't pick up the one-word definitions of "frappe", "petite", "degage", etc. I still have a few I mix up (frappe is one, actually), but for the most part, I know all of the definitions. So much of class, we all just stand there while the instructor calls out on of the kids who she knows struggles with the definitions, and we wait while the little girl (or boy) stands there doe-eyed as she pries the definition out. This happens with nearly every single movement we do. Tendus: "what does tendu mean?... Anyone... ***....? .................." Petite battements: "what does tendu mean?... Anyone... ***....? .................." On and on and on. It really eats up class time, and is a bit frustrating at times. I want to make these kids flashcards or something. I would, if I thought they might use it.

Anyway, on parent's night this time (this didn't happen previously), we barely went over any terms! Maybe two or three total! And it was wonderful! I worked so hard because instead of stopping so much for so long, we just went from movement to movement to movement. I was far more sore the day after than I usually am! I can't wait for all our classes to be like that!

I had my mom record a few of the movements I still have problems with, like the body positions. I haven't checked those out yet, but I nearly have them down. We are supposed to do a demonstration at the end of the ballet year. Positions are one of my lesser concerns, because it's very easy to sneak peaks at what the other students do, without being too out of sync. Unlike with, say, pas de bourree, where if you mess up and go the wrong way, it's super obvious.

Today's Practice (at home)
So today, I wasn't at all sure what I was going to do, or if I was even going to do any practice. I was doing some plies at my barre and decided what the heck, I'd get dressed and work some. Practice went so well. I just made up my own routine, and listened to some of the classical music I have. I did quite a few plies and tendus- I went through those two or three times on both sides. Especially with the tendus: they are easy enough to do... but I wanted to work on actually leading with my heel and keeping my foot on the floor as long as possible before bringing it up so my toe was on the ground.

Rond de jambes: I worked on really getting that turnout. The movement seems so easy, but it's difficult for me to remember to turn out as soon as I possibly can and as much as I possibly can.

Frappes: Worked on these as well. With my frappe, I think I flex my foot too much when it's at my ankle. My instructor recently told me to strike the foot farther out, so I worked on that and smoothly brushing it on the floor before coming up. This one's a little hard to do on carpet!

Chasses: I've almost had down our chasses in class- we do them a certain way, in a certain order. But I've also been struggling with these. I've understood the direction we had to move, but it wasn't making sense to me what foot crossed in front when. And then our instructor said something last class that gave me an "aha!" moment: the first half, the left foot is chasing the right and the second half, the right chases the left. With just that short description, I now have the movement down pretty well.

[Description: Start in 5th, right foot in front, arms down in preparatory. Plie. Glide forward (in plie), leading with the right foot, bringing arms up to first (fingers at naval... I just looked this up and realized my arms have been too high!). Quickly bring left foot back to fifth (in the back). With right foot, glide into second plie, arms out. Close to fifth (prep arms), this time with right leg in back. Now reverse that, using the left foot to lead and going to the left instead of right. (See, I kept trying to put the wrong foot in back when gliding into second.)

There are two ways we do this, both actually have an extra step that what I said above: à terre and en l'air. In à terre, before closing the non-leading foot to fifth, we tendu the non-working leg. So if I'm going forward with right foot, I'll glide forward, tendu back with my left leg, and quickly close. Glide right, tendu with left leg, close left foot in front. Glide back with right foot, tendu left foot to the front, snap it back to fifth in front. En l'air is the same, except we dégagé instead of tendu.]

Adagio: Finally (after doing my chasses over and over and over again), I went on to our adagio. We do this one both at the barre and in center. It's a passe through retire then the working leg extends up (grande battement?) and then releve (rise up on our standing leg). It's done front, side, back, side. At the barre, instead of passe, we petite battement, sous-sus (feet jump up- releve- in a tight fifth position), spot, and turn. I practiced that one last week. I was having a lot of trouble getting down what happened after the back, and now I have that one nailed- and my spotting has improved as well! (When in center, instead of spotting and turning around, we [try to] stay in releve, do a few short port de bras, then close in the opposite fifth and do it all on the other leg. )

Our adagio has been really difficult for me! I mentioned we do it à terre AND en l'air (in the air)... and I've barely even been able to do just à terre! So today, I did it over and over again- almost totally in the air. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm more or less able to do the movements without having to put my foot down so much for balance.

In summary (I think I am a bit over-explanatory sometimes... I used to write A LOT but now this blog is pretty much the only writing I do nowadays. I hope to improve as I continue on), I'm super proud of myself because today, I showed a lot of discipline! Not just that, but I was totally in the zone doing it. Sometimes I can try things but have my mind elsewhere, wanting to be doing other things. Sometimes the music that came on wasn't fitting for whatever I was doing, so I either turned it off for a while or I just ignored it (instead of allowing myself to become distracted by trying to find the perfect music or something). Today, I was disciplined! Here's to more of that in the future, and more often!

Now to nail my pas de bourres! I was only just starting to get the hang of the two we've been doing, and now there are two more! Slowly, I can do them. But when we are in center, we do all four in a row, and my feet start getting tangled up! I can do this, though. My boyfriend is convincing me I should, indeed, do the demonstration/performance at the end of the ballet year in May... and I think I just might. I think it's just the encouragement I need to really work hard to improve!

Parent's Night, Remembering Class

So my last class proved to be quite different from normal classes. I somehow skipped the memo that it was parent's night. (I think it was actually on the paper that we were given something-something-parent's-something-parking-parent's, whatever, it didn't seem to pertain to me at the time.) I was settling in on the floor as the girls were positioning themselves, and I was starting in on my ankle rolls (god, those still hurt!) and the parent's were coming in and sitting in the chairs. "Is it parent's night?" I asked my little red-headed friend. She nodded her head. "Oh! I'm a little nervous now!" I told her, and she giggled at me.

So there we were, on the floor under the barre, doing our ankle rolls, myself towering above all the others (and I'm not in bad shape, but when surrounded by little nine-year-olds with pretty much no fat on their bodies, I look like a big, fat giant next to them!) One of the parents is staring at me, and I stare back at her, but it was an odd stare standoff because I knew she was staring and she knew I knew she was staring but she wasn't quite making eye contact with me, just staring at my face somewhere. While still staring at me, she asked the instructor something, who replied "oh, no, she's a student!" and then they kept talking, but too low for me to hear, and the lady kept staring at me! So that was a little awkward and I'd love to know what was said. At least one of the other parents looked impressed and said something about "exercise", but that was all I heard. All in all, I'm really glad there were no fathers there, because I would definitely have felt awkward.

I happened to have on my most modest leotard, thank goodness, and I'd also not forgotten to put on my silicone nipple covers (I just ordered more- those are sooooo handy! My first class got very weird when I noticed my nipples were shining through). I even had on a sports bra I usually don't wear, because the wide crossed straps in the back are obvious, but on this night I was glad for the extra modesty. (Don't get me wrong, I'm never ever dressed inappropriately- I won't even wear a camisole, remember? But a couple of leotards are a little lower in the front, which only proves a slight problem when we lay on the floor for our back exercises, and I have to be sure to pull the neck up a touch or the slightest cleavage will show.) I'd also happened to take a bit of extra anxiety medication, so it didn't go too bad.

I did get called out a little more than normal, but that was okay- I was doing things incorrectly. I kinda blew a few things in the center. When we do center, I usually have to follow the one girl who is very good, or another one of the girls if she isn't in front of me. The slower movements like our arabesques go fine enough, but with the faster-paced things (like pas de bourres), it can take me a few beats to figure out what we are doing. On this night, though, it took me more than  a few beats when I messed up, and I had more trouble than usual on center. But I didn't let it bring me down! I was glad when class was over, though, and made my way out quickly after curtseying to our wonderful instructor.

So today is Saturday and I am trying to go through in my head what we do in class and write it down so I can work on it. I know we do plie, tendu, degage... and then the order gets hazy for me. I do know we also do ronde de jamb and frappes... and then it gets very hazy. I'm thinking we do passé developpe but there is also something before that, two somethings I can't quite think of... Oh, awesome. I'd been looking at that linked video in a playlist and came across one of the movements: it's just a passé. So that comes before the passé developpe. Now for the other I can't remember. It's like the passé but our leg doesn't come up into retire. So I'm just missing one for barre (although I'm not sure the proper preparation for each of them), and our last one is, I believe, an echappe sous-sus? It's done facing the barre, 1) spring up from fifth to sous-sus 2) spring back down to fifth 3) echappe? (both feet go out away from each other) 4) spring back down to opposite fifth... spring up, don't change fifth, spring out, change fifth, etc.

Center, of course, gets more difficult, and it changes up. But I know we do: our arabesques, positions of the body on stage, the echappe sous-sus or whatever we do at the barre but in the center, and our port de bras, which I allllmost have down. I'm going to try those today because I like them and I really want to have them down without having to watch the other girl. (I'm sorry, friend! I know it must be awkward to constantly have a grown-up staring at you and trying to follow along, especially if you make a mistake that's highlighted because two of us are doing it!)

So yep, that's where I'm at today. Still not having time to practice every night, but I'm working on getting more and more stretching and/or exercises in during the week.

Real Ballet!

I've been putting something off partially because I'm a bit scared. Today, I finally went through with it. I went to the nicest ballet school we have in town and spoke to the director herself about taking classes. And guess what... starting the week of January 5th, I can start taking Level II classes twice a week!!

There was a real sense of finality to going in today. I've been avoiding it for quite awhile. I knew the adult class I took before would be more laid-back than regular ballet classes, so it wasn't that intimidating (other than getting over my fear of new social happenings). But this school, this is the real deal.

The director told me I could probably keep up with the Grade II girls. (The info sheet says they are around 9 years old.) She said that although they have had ballet for a year and a half now, as an adult, I should be able to keep up. (Note: This is a class I was debating on whether or not I would be put into it. The classes start at 5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is the time I normally get off of work. So I am going to have to work on my schedule, and get off earlier than I am supposed to. Considering I have doctor appointments very often, my bosses have gotten used to my leaving early, so I hope to just slide this on in there. Plus, I will work lunch on those days... and I'm going to try to start going in earlier after the new year anyway.)

The director was very nice (though she and the other lady in the office kinda scoffed when I mentioned I'd been watching YouTube videos. I knew that would happen, but I do think there is a difference in watching some YouTube videos and actually studying the moves the videos are doing, getting other input to make sure they're being done correctly. I guess I'll see how much they've actually taught me soon). Short lady, short hair, small frame, quite ballet-like. She's got some experience at the Joffrey School and another one or two I recognize. I told her about the adult ballet class I took, and how it was more of a social event. She said that this wasn't like that: the girls behaved well, and she teaches everyone as though they are working towards being professional, even though most won't actually go that way. So everyone likely dances with more of a professional attitude, and I'm sure she works them pretty hard. This is exactly what I was wanting/hoping for/scared of! :)

The classes are going to be kinda expensive for me, especially since it's not a drop in thing but a monthly deal... and I will be taking two classes a week instead of one. But it's not too bad, considering. Only $90 for two hours a week. The Tuesday class also ends early enough for me to head on over to the class I've already tried (once the real instructor gets off maternity leave so the class is under control!), should I decide twice a week just isn't enough. (I also have a few classes in the other town about an hour away I can take, even one on Saturday, which is a good day for me to get out of town. I'll start with these two a week, and if I love it, I am going to add more. The more I can do, the closer I am to [hopefullymaybeoneday] going en pointe!)

So, she was very welcoming, and even sounded a little excited about me coming to class (unlike some of my other experiences *looking down their nose* "We only allow 14 and under", as if that's a real school!). She told me she would put me in between two of the girls who have been there longer and are more experienced so that I can follow them on both sides when we do barre.

I've been working on center exercises with Finis Jhung. These are almost certainly going to be more difficult for me than barre. I mostly get the hang of barre now (as best as I can not really having had any actual classes). The only center exposure I have right now is about three minutes in the class I took (where I did terribly), a few steps at a time with Finis, and very basic center with Tamra Chace.

But this is it! This is what I've been wanting! I can come up with the money (by buying fewer ballet outfits, haha). I can work it out with my work schedule. I can get the nerve to actually go. And, provided I really do love it as much as I am truly hoping, I'm on my way to being... a late ballerina! (Okay, well "ballerina" in my head, anyway.)

Oh, one more thing. The director is the founder of the primary ballet company in town. If I do well, one day, I just might be able to join! She seems like she wouldn't discriminate based on my age (the other schools I've called wouldn't let me take classes with younger people, but she didn't think twice). That's way down the road, if ever, but so are pointe shoes (worn with permission!) and I'm aiming for those! Shoot for the moon!

WOOOHOOOOOO!

(And now, time for ballet. This week I have not done nearly as much as I've wanted to! My mountain trip went marvelously, by the way. I did get some hiking in, but other than that and about an hour or so of ballet, I was just too damn relaxed to do much of anything else... and it was great!)

Teaching Myself: How, and Where I'm Currently At

I brought my pointe shoes home and fell in love. My mom came over so I could show them off to her. I jump up onto pointe (no clue about rolling up to pointe yet) and- to both of our surprise, I tiptoe my way around my living room, even managing to turn a time or two. I stepped back down and looked at my mom- her eyes were huge! "HOW are you DOING that?" The shoes! They're magic!

As I mentioned in my first post, I'd started researching ballet more and more. I was becoming intrigued more and more. I found an adult class in my area. It's $60 a month for the one class (very reduced prices for more than an hour a week), which is pretty good, I reckon, certainly something I'm willing to pay... just not right now.

Earlier this year I was hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety, with a plan to commit suicide. The depression and anxiety are something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember, and everything just seemed to culminate into one big bomb this year that finally went off. Five months ago I didn't expect to be alive right now. I was wary of doing 28+ days of inpatient, but promised my mom- who I'd told I didn't think I was going to be alive much longer- that I would try EVERYTHING I possibly could before I did anything. I did everything I was supposed to do in the hospital, went to all my groups AND started taking the medications I was prescribed as I was supposed to. My doctor was absolutely amazing and managed to find the perfect combination of meds for me (something that can be really hit-or-miss, so I feel blessed). Between the time off to take care of my mental health, the establishment of some sort of routine in my life, and the medication, I have become a completely different person. I still have anxiety, but it's not as bad now. My depression, however, is pretty much GONE. And that's part of where this new interest in ballet is coming from: I am getting to know myself as a different, healthier, happier person- and I want this to extend to my body and mind as well.

The point of that was that I am still playing financial catch-up from the work I missed and the bills I got behind on. I am also working fewer hours than I was before, and it's hard for me to commit to a $60 month bill right now. Besides that, it seems like ballet has seasons like schools do, and it's the middle of the season, so I would feel odd starting now anyway.

But I found a number of resources for beginner's ballet and have decided to teach myself... up to a point. I know that it is very easy to learn things incorrectly (that I'd have to retrain myself out of), so I am taking precautions against that. A background in yoga has helped me be body-conscious and more able to look at someone doing something and compare myself in the mirror to see if I am doing the same thing. I watch different instructors go over things to see if any do things differently and also because some will point out helpful tips that others don't bring up.

I have a ton of videos saved, but right now I am using the awesome classes Tamra Chace has on YouTube, starting with "Year One, Lesson One":

It's very basic- I'm doing one class each week and am only up to the second week right now. So far, we have done very little port de bras and most of it has been without using our legs at the same time. I'm definitely lagging in the port de bras department right now (and am still looking for a decent video that shows what the heck my fingers are supposed to do when I'm moving my arms!) but I am definitely learning how to tendu and battement tendu and do slow ronde de jambe.

So right now I am definitely more concerned with technique than anything else, besides strength. I'd rather start a real ballet class with more strength so I can progress more quickly, and what I am doing at home is helping me learn where exactly I should focus building strength- and it's also giving me the motivation to go through with it. I have never been someone who enjoys working out nor have I ever made the commitment to stick with something like this, but I'm working on changing that.

The night I started Tamra Chace's lessons, I realized how much strength I was going to need to build up- holding a leg up in the air is so much harder than it looks! So I've started doing thigh, calf, foot-and-toe exercises along with lots of follow-along stretching! Ballerina Lisa Maree has a TON of fantastic videos on stretching and getting in shape. This was the first one I started with:

I simply could NOT figure out how she was doing that exercise known as "doming"- I couldn't make my foot do anything remotely close to that. One evening, I sat down and started trying to make my foot dome by using my hand next to it so my foot could follow along with my hand (something recommended in a video by someone else). That wasn't working too well, so I watched my foot and just tried to move different muscles. I finally noticed the activity in my arch when I point my foot, and was actually able to isolate that muscle! It took a little more time with the left foot, but I soon got that one isolated as well! That was days ago, and I am still so psyched about it! In just those few days, I've gotten my "dome" a lot more curved- it's SO exciting! (And I did it myself!)

I've also struggled with turn-out... something I've learned that a LOT of people struggle with in ballet! I watched all of the videos I could find, lying on my side putting one bent leg on a pillow and bringing the other leg up, doing the butterfly, sitting with my feet touching and legs in a diamond while pressing at the tops of my legs- nothing was really helping me. Then I came across a simple stretching video (that I can't find at the moment). A young woman was showing how she stretches her hips by placing one foot on a chair and then rolling her body around so the standing leg's hip rotates around in it's socket. Why not, I gave it a shot. I put a leg up on a chair and started rotating my body. I closed my eyes and really FELT what was going on in my hips. And suddenly, I found those deep, inner hip muscles that are supposed to be used for turnout. I knew I wasn't finding them correctly before, so I'd just put my feet in a small V shape for first position, not even trying to turnout for fear of doing it incorrectly. But now- I was able to feel the muscles I was supposed to be using and could now use the muscle memory to make sure I was doing it correctly at the barre (yes, the barre- the one I built in my living room! More on that later!) When I was done with the first leg, I went to the next and learned where those muscles were and how to access them.

As you can imagine, that was a big deal for me. Sometimes I try to overdo it, but I can tell when I am doing this: the arches of my feet turn inward and my knees don't go directly over my feet. But I'm about 99.999% sure I have accessed them correctly, because when I do use them properly, my feet don't turn inwards and my knees are over my toes when I plié. I also know I am overdoing it when my glutes are crunched together or I can't plié without arching my back awkwardly. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm doing okay with that, though I know I really need a ballet instructor to tell me for sure. I'll stick with what I'm doing for now. 

The main thing, along with flexibility, is STRENGTH. I'm pretty lucky in that I naturally have something close to a "ballet body". I'm not very tall (though not overly short) and I'm naturally skinny: 5'3" with weight fluctuating between 115-119lbs. The only part that doesn't really fit is my chest size (34D). Luckily, the leotards I have purchased flatten me down quite a bit. And... well... they're actually implants, so if I ever magically become a prima ballerina, I'll take those babies out! :) I was concerned with them until I started seeing all of the different body types who take ballet- and some of them, like the Remedial Ballerina, even PERFORM! Between being in my mid-30s, not being very flexible, not being very strong, never having taken a ballet class (except that one time when I was six and took it at day care... only to come running out crying to my mom when she came to pick me up, telling her I didn't want to take it anymore because... I got sweaty. Yep.), and having fuller breasts, I thought this might be a hobby I do here and there. But now that I know I can have the chance to PERFORM... it's ON now! (I'm very introverted and socially awkward and shy, but put me in a spotlight where I know what I'm doing and I become a different person!)

So that's where I am right now: working my way through Tamra Chace's beginner ballet classes, supplementing her classes with more in-depth videos on tendus, pliés, etc, doing strength training focusing on my lower body and core, and working on my flexibility by stretching a lot. Right now, I've been doing about 1-3 hours of all of this daily for about a week and a half (missing Monday and Tuesday of this week because I wasn't feeling well and came home and crashed until morning) and my goal is to keep that at 2-3 hours daily (sometimes changing out the workouts for hiking with my dog). 

I've still got more to share with you, but it's time to get in a little reading before I hit the barre!