Update: I got in trouble in class!

Thought I would post a quick update. Class is going great- I've made it to all of them so far (which isn't many, but still!). I actually got in trouble in my third class. I made a ballet-class-friend who is about 13-14, the second oldest in my class. She loves ballet as much as I do! I get very excited to talk to her... but the only time I can do that is IN class.

I was just telling her a quick note about how, with the waltz we were doing (which, I just found out, is more appropriately called balance en tournant, although we haven't gotten to the turning part yet), the point of brushing the foot against the floor, as the teacher was stressing, was to provide friction and make our feet stronger! As I was finishing my sentence, I heard the teacher telling everyone to be quiet. I looked around and the entire class was looking at me- apparently, I was the only one talking!

Yes, I know that's SO rude, and I was properly embarrassed! I was just SO excited to have someone in front of me I could talk to about learning ballet!! Needless to say, I haven't talked in class again.

When I took ballet previously at this school, I started in the winter season, same as this time. This class is a lot farther behind than when I took it before. Part of me really likes learning things like balance en tournant like a beginner, with everything broken down really simply. The other part of me fears we won't be caught up as far next year. (And the anxious part of me is scared I mixed things up and am taking a lower grade than ever before!)

After battling some more depression, and likewise not going to the gym, I made it back to the gym yesterday. I just did 3 miles on the bike, some ab work, and a little ballet. My mind was wandering around oddly- I started the medication Seroquel last week, and I think it's affecting the way I think.

I also made it to a Pilates class this past week- Reformer Basics, and have a mat class scheduled for Tuesday!

One more thing: I'm having to sell my Capezio BraTek camisole leotards, sadly. They are an adult sized medium, which usually fits perfectly, but my bust is just a bit too large for the bra part to feel comfortable. I may try one in a size large, as it was REALLY helping hold my chest down and compress it. (That Bal Togs I posted about before, though, is AWESOME!)

First Class (Back): Success!

I'm so happy, and proud of myself. In spite of the fact my mind and body, via depression, were telling me to just give up on ballet, not go to class, I went anyway.

I took a nap that afternoon until about 1pm, and woke up in a good mood, luckily not groggy. I decided to go ahead and get dressed in my ballet outfit, 4 hours in advance. I took my time, trying on the various leotards I've accumulated since the last time I took a class. (I love buying leotards, what can I say?)

One of my most recent purchases was this Bal Togs sports bra:

Here's the front:

If you've read any of my blog, you'll see that I'm often on the hunt for different ways of keeping my girls in. My breasts don't look very big in this photo, but I had breast augmentation about a decade ago, bringing them from an A/B cup up to my current 32DDD.

For the record, my grade's dress code is: black leotard, preferably long-sleeved, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, no extras.

I love camisole leotards, and I love to wear them when I'm at the gym (although usually under something else), but when I'm in class- I'm around a bunch of very young girls and their protective mothers, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my ability to continue taking classes there. So I try to dress as modestly as possible, while still attempting to find ways to change my style from a totally basic scoop-neck/high-back tank or short-sleeve leotard. (I recently ordered a long-sleeve leotard, basic black, but I get hot extremely easily, so I think that will probably last through one class, if that. But I want to try.)

Back to this Bal Togs bra. I purchased it from Discount Dance during a clearance sale to wear under this leotard I also purchased during this sale:

(Turns out I have another leotard just like that one, but with lace instead of mesh, LOL.) I love the bra! Especially when paired with a leotard, it really compresses my breasts and prevents them from hopping up and down when I jump. I ended up wearing this leotard to class:

No mesh like the one above

which was surprisingly comfortable. Paired with the Bal Togs- along with some plain, adhesive nipple covers, I felt much better than when I wear a VS Sports bra to class. With those, I don't have to wear the nipple covers, but they enhance my cleavage instead of compressing it.

So class went well, and it was one of the first classes I've felt like "Oh! I know this one!" pretty much the entire class! Even though I have taken about a month or so off from any sort of ballet practice, the hard work I put in before was NOT (as my depressed self tried to assure me) in vain. I'm really learning, and I'm becoming more comfortable with the movements. And when we galloped across the center of the room, two at a time, I actually felt like I looked graceful!

One more thing: since taking classes (even from before), I have struggled with some of the full-body positions we usually do during center. My previous instructor (who I will likely have next year) is amazing, but she always seemed too busy for me to feel comfortable to ask, and the times I thought about asking previous classmates, I didn't have a pen and paper with me. But Monday, I spoke with my teacher, and she was great! She demonstrated the movement and gave me time to write them out. Now, to practice them!

In case you're wondering, here is the list:
croise devant
a la quatrieme devant
ecarte
efface
a la seconde
epaule
a la quatrieme derriere
croise derriere

I had to take my car to the shop yesterday, so I'm not sure if I will be able to make it to class tonight. I hope so, because I know next week is when parents get to come in and watch, and I really don't want to be there for that. (I've done it- my mom came once. But I just haven't learned that much since then, and it'd be weird with only a couple of classes under my belt with this instructor.) Anyway, back to loving ballet!!

Ballet Class Today *gulp*

Depression has been kicking in hardcore lately, and I've barely left the house. I go through phases of interests in activities, and I've recently gotten back into hiking. When I "get into" something, I obsess over it. When I obsess over it, other objects of obsession drift to the background for awhile, until I come back to them. So I've been obsessing over hiking, while ballet has taken second place to it.

For months now, I have been looking SO forward to TODAY, my first ballet class in months, and the first one I can take consistently in a long time. I think partially it's my depression trying to talk me out of my love and enjoyment of ballet: "Hiking (which I'm mostly putting off the majority of until the weather gets a bit warmer, and thus is something I could use as a tool for procrastination) is so much more feasible for you than ballet," my mind is telling me. "You're never going to get far with it because you have so much trouble going consistently. It just isn't for you. You've shown in the past that you can't stick with it consistently, disciplined. That's okay- you should just find something that doesn't take up quite so much time and dedication (and something that's not 30 minutes away)."

My mind keeps running: "You were working so hard there for awhile, when you moved back here and started going to the gym. But then you stopped, all that hard work for nothing- all those hours at the barre and it's going to be like you're basically a beginner tonight. Class is only an hour, and only twice a week. How will you progress? Do you even want to? Was this just a pipe dream?"

All of this crap running through my head. I knew one of the reasons I'd decide to stay home is simple comfort. It's cold outside, and it's warm and cozy inside. I remedied this by going ahead and getting dressed for ballet. Discount Dance recently had a sale on a few things I've been wanting, one of which was a sports bra made for dance. My VS Sports bras are usually great, but they make my breasts look HUGE in class, and I'm already trying to counteract my tilted pelvis, so I've been wanting something that provides some compression AND support. Bonus points if I can wear it under leotard styles beyond the basic short sleeve or high-back tank. This one is made by Baltogs, and I LOVE it!

It gives lots of support when I jump (as long as I have a leotard over it as well, and it looks great under a couple of lace-back leotards I have. I'll try to get a photo of the rest of my outfit tonight later on.

I still don't know how to get in a decent warmup before class. The hall in my school is very narrow and crowded. My gym is too far away- I'd be cold again by the time I got to class.

Anyway, in conclusion, just by putting on my leotard, I feel a lot more into going to class than I did before. And I know I'll feel better afterwards- I pretty much always do. In anticipation of feeling some soreness tomorrow, I went ahead and booked a Pilates mat class for in the morning!

First class today!

I'm so excited, and nervous, and excited and nervous! All of these what-ifs going through my head. Anxiety because I don't know yet how I will get into my ballet outfit... I think I am going to have to stop by home on the way to the doctor appointment (I do have one today) and put on my leotard and tights, with my cute VS sweats over it all. My appointment is over around 3:45, but class doesn't start until 5. But I do need to be there a bit early, to register and what-not. Should I just head to my therapist early (I usually get out earlier if I do) and THEN head home to change and get ready? If not, what do I spend that extra time on after I leave the doctor? I don't know if I will have time to run back home, and I don't want to get there TOO early, although they do let observers watch, and I could see the grade before me. I'd really like to stretch- if I get there early enough can I actually stretch inside the building, or am I supposed to be already warmed up when I get in there? I very much dislike having so many questions- I get myself all wound up and anxious! And oddly, it's always these little silly before-event intricacies and etiquette that get me worried. If anything, I should be a little worried about my actual class and whether or not I will be able to keep up, but I'm so wound up with the other things, I'm not so worried about class! I figure: my teacher did NOT seem like my doing YouTube videos was anything close to doing real ballet (she doesn't know I was studying a ton as well), and so she is assuming I know nothing about ballet. And while I do agree that I pretty much know nothing about ballet, I do at least know positions, movements, what it's like to be at the barre, and how much I don't like center :) So I think I will be a little bit ahead of what she expects, and thus I should be able to keep up with the class. Also, what about my MDM ballet shoes? Is she going to notice I have split soles and say something about how I should have full soles? Should I show her before class or just wait until she mentions it? Or show her after, if she does say something?

What I'm really, really hoping for is that this class will be quite a bit too easy. The next grade (10-year-olds, 3rd year) fits my schedule so much better, but I could still take some of these classes as well. I won't be able to take the grade before this one; it's just too early. But wow, three years of ballet sounds like soooo much. Already, as I've mentioned, these girls I'll be with have had 1.5 years of ballet.

STOP, MIND!

Dear Me,
Whatever happens is exactly how it is supposed to happen! You'll figure out the clothes situation. You'll get there on time. Even if you go in totally cold and there is no warm-up, take it easy and you'll know next time, and you'll also know if you can warm up in the building (which would be ideal). You will be fine with the nine year olds. You will be able to keep up. Even in the center. And even if you don't keep up so well in the center, just give it your best shot and spend your focus just trying to remember the general idea of the steps, especially names.

It doesn't matter if the class is too easy. Worry about this class only for right now. Other classes can and will come when you're ready. Either way, you can definitely watch the older girls, the next grade, who will be starting as we end.

Don't forget your notepad and pen for notes during/after class! And yes, your leotard plus underwire sports bra is modest enough. It's packed, as are both shoes (MDM and full-sole) and deodorant and if there's anything else you need, you'll know next time.

YOU GOT THIS!
Love,
Me

Inspiration

The Clam & Pretty Gear!

I tried to do this recently, and had trouble with it. But I keep reading about it, so tonight I'm going to commit to... The Clam. It's supposed to be extremely good for those deep hip rotators, and making sure you're accessing them correctly.

AND I finally ordered this really cute leotard I've been eying on eBay for $15-16 with free shipping. (I forget who from, but they have more!) It looks like it might just be in already today!

I love the color AND the low-cut back! This will be my first one that isn't black and either the traditional tank or short sleeve. I do sweat a lot, so I'm wondering if that's going to look just awful, forcing me into only black. I also got some of these in case I start next week- I still haven't decided whether I can/should go braless or not...

And these were only $8. They're Leo's, which I don't know much about but a well-known ballet studio I saw recently requires Leo's, so they must be pretty decent. I will see! Oh, and legwarmers will be in soon, too. Only $1 plus a few dollars shipping, light blue.