Ballet vs. Depression & Anxiety

Damn, I hit a really rough patch, out of nowhere. I pretty much laid in bed binge-watching Oz (which I'd never seen, and is... over 20 years old! I'm ancient!) for a month straight. I did make it to a few ballet classes.

Anyway, I'm really starting to feel better now that I was prescribed Abilify for the first time. That's 5mg on top of 300mg Wellbutrin, 40mg Prozac, up to 8mg Suboxone (I really try to keep it to 6mg, though when I'm really depressed, it can sneak up to about 12mg a day... which only serves to make me more tired, which makes me more depressed... but hey, that's an addictive personality for ya), and 2mg Xanax a day (which I also try to keep lower). Anyway, the Abilify is kicking in, and I made it back to the gym again, and plan to get to class today!

I skipped a week of classes because I was asleep most of the day and night for awhile. But at my last class, I was almost at a full side split on my left! I can't wait to get back down there and snap a pic!! I'm so psyched!

Yours truly, taken yesterday. After missing over a week of classes- properly warmed up, I'm almost there!!

I'm also so worried. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go en pointe. When I'm not deep inside depression, I KNOW I can do it! I'm so motivated and excited! But when I get so low, sometimes I can't even make it to class. It's soooo hard for me to maintain class regularly because of this. I fear missing one too many classes and not being able to stay en pointe. And I don't say this to, like, talk myself out of it. It's more of an honest possibility that I have to consider, because I have ALWAYS been like this. I'm 38 years old. I know myself and my limitations, and I've finally started learning to accept them, and work with them... I'm EXTREMELY proud of myself for finding something ACTIVE and physical that I love so much, and have committed to in such a strong way... but I also know that depression IS GOING to hit and there will be times I just can't get to class. That's not me talking myself out of the potential for not being that way- that hope is ALWAYS there. But I have to remain realistic about my boundaries.

Anyway, this post is getting depressing, HAHA. Let's get to some gorgeous, motivating photos, shall we?

via @wiktoria_reszka on Instagram via Pinterest (Her body, WOW!)

via Dina Simpson?

Update: I got in trouble in class!

Thought I would post a quick update. Class is going great- I've made it to all of them so far (which isn't many, but still!). I actually got in trouble in my third class. I made a ballet-class-friend who is about 13-14, the second oldest in my class. She loves ballet as much as I do! I get very excited to talk to her... but the only time I can do that is IN class.

I was just telling her a quick note about how, with the waltz we were doing (which, I just found out, is more appropriately called balance en tournant, although we haven't gotten to the turning part yet), the point of brushing the foot against the floor, as the teacher was stressing, was to provide friction and make our feet stronger! As I was finishing my sentence, I heard the teacher telling everyone to be quiet. I looked around and the entire class was looking at me- apparently, I was the only one talking!

Yes, I know that's SO rude, and I was properly embarrassed! I was just SO excited to have someone in front of me I could talk to about learning ballet!! Needless to say, I haven't talked in class again.

When I took ballet previously at this school, I started in the winter season, same as this time. This class is a lot farther behind than when I took it before. Part of me really likes learning things like balance en tournant like a beginner, with everything broken down really simply. The other part of me fears we won't be caught up as far next year. (And the anxious part of me is scared I mixed things up and am taking a lower grade than ever before!)

After battling some more depression, and likewise not going to the gym, I made it back to the gym yesterday. I just did 3 miles on the bike, some ab work, and a little ballet. My mind was wandering around oddly- I started the medication Seroquel last week, and I think it's affecting the way I think.

I also made it to a Pilates class this past week- Reformer Basics, and have a mat class scheduled for Tuesday!

One more thing: I'm having to sell my Capezio BraTek camisole leotards, sadly. They are an adult sized medium, which usually fits perfectly, but my bust is just a bit too large for the bra part to feel comfortable. I may try one in a size large, as it was REALLY helping hold my chest down and compress it. (That Bal Togs I posted about before, though, is AWESOME!)

First Class (Back): Success!

I'm so happy, and proud of myself. In spite of the fact my mind and body, via depression, were telling me to just give up on ballet, not go to class, I went anyway.

I took a nap that afternoon until about 1pm, and woke up in a good mood, luckily not groggy. I decided to go ahead and get dressed in my ballet outfit, 4 hours in advance. I took my time, trying on the various leotards I've accumulated since the last time I took a class. (I love buying leotards, what can I say?)

One of my most recent purchases was this Bal Togs sports bra:

Here's the front:

If you've read any of my blog, you'll see that I'm often on the hunt for different ways of keeping my girls in. My breasts don't look very big in this photo, but I had breast augmentation about a decade ago, bringing them from an A/B cup up to my current 32DDD.

For the record, my grade's dress code is: black leotard, preferably long-sleeved, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, no extras.

I love camisole leotards, and I love to wear them when I'm at the gym (although usually under something else), but when I'm in class- I'm around a bunch of very young girls and their protective mothers, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my ability to continue taking classes there. So I try to dress as modestly as possible, while still attempting to find ways to change my style from a totally basic scoop-neck/high-back tank or short-sleeve leotard. (I recently ordered a long-sleeve leotard, basic black, but I get hot extremely easily, so I think that will probably last through one class, if that. But I want to try.)

Back to this Bal Togs bra. I purchased it from Discount Dance during a clearance sale to wear under this leotard I also purchased during this sale:

(Turns out I have another leotard just like that one, but with lace instead of mesh, LOL.) I love the bra! Especially when paired with a leotard, it really compresses my breasts and prevents them from hopping up and down when I jump. I ended up wearing this leotard to class:

No mesh like the one above

which was surprisingly comfortable. Paired with the Bal Togs- along with some plain, adhesive nipple covers, I felt much better than when I wear a VS Sports bra to class. With those, I don't have to wear the nipple covers, but they enhance my cleavage instead of compressing it.

So class went well, and it was one of the first classes I've felt like "Oh! I know this one!" pretty much the entire class! Even though I have taken about a month or so off from any sort of ballet practice, the hard work I put in before was NOT (as my depressed self tried to assure me) in vain. I'm really learning, and I'm becoming more comfortable with the movements. And when we galloped across the center of the room, two at a time, I actually felt like I looked graceful!

One more thing: since taking classes (even from before), I have struggled with some of the full-body positions we usually do during center. My previous instructor (who I will likely have next year) is amazing, but she always seemed too busy for me to feel comfortable to ask, and the times I thought about asking previous classmates, I didn't have a pen and paper with me. But Monday, I spoke with my teacher, and she was great! She demonstrated the movement and gave me time to write them out. Now, to practice them!

In case you're wondering, here is the list:
croise devant
a la quatrieme devant
ecarte
efface
a la seconde
epaule
a la quatrieme derriere
croise derriere

I had to take my car to the shop yesterday, so I'm not sure if I will be able to make it to class tonight. I hope so, because I know next week is when parents get to come in and watch, and I really don't want to be there for that. (I've done it- my mom came once. But I just haven't learned that much since then, and it'd be weird with only a couple of classes under my belt with this instructor.) Anyway, back to loving ballet!!

Ballet Class Today *gulp*

Depression has been kicking in hardcore lately, and I've barely left the house. I go through phases of interests in activities, and I've recently gotten back into hiking. When I "get into" something, I obsess over it. When I obsess over it, other objects of obsession drift to the background for awhile, until I come back to them. So I've been obsessing over hiking, while ballet has taken second place to it.

For months now, I have been looking SO forward to TODAY, my first ballet class in months, and the first one I can take consistently in a long time. I think partially it's my depression trying to talk me out of my love and enjoyment of ballet: "Hiking (which I'm mostly putting off the majority of until the weather gets a bit warmer, and thus is something I could use as a tool for procrastination) is so much more feasible for you than ballet," my mind is telling me. "You're never going to get far with it because you have so much trouble going consistently. It just isn't for you. You've shown in the past that you can't stick with it consistently, disciplined. That's okay- you should just find something that doesn't take up quite so much time and dedication (and something that's not 30 minutes away)."

My mind keeps running: "You were working so hard there for awhile, when you moved back here and started going to the gym. But then you stopped, all that hard work for nothing- all those hours at the barre and it's going to be like you're basically a beginner tonight. Class is only an hour, and only twice a week. How will you progress? Do you even want to? Was this just a pipe dream?"

All of this crap running through my head. I knew one of the reasons I'd decide to stay home is simple comfort. It's cold outside, and it's warm and cozy inside. I remedied this by going ahead and getting dressed for ballet. Discount Dance recently had a sale on a few things I've been wanting, one of which was a sports bra made for dance. My VS Sports bras are usually great, but they make my breasts look HUGE in class, and I'm already trying to counteract my tilted pelvis, so I've been wanting something that provides some compression AND support. Bonus points if I can wear it under leotard styles beyond the basic short sleeve or high-back tank. This one is made by Baltogs, and I LOVE it!

It gives lots of support when I jump (as long as I have a leotard over it as well, and it looks great under a couple of lace-back leotards I have. I'll try to get a photo of the rest of my outfit tonight later on.

I still don't know how to get in a decent warmup before class. The hall in my school is very narrow and crowded. My gym is too far away- I'd be cold again by the time I got to class.

Anyway, in conclusion, just by putting on my leotard, I feel a lot more into going to class than I did before. And I know I'll feel better afterwards- I pretty much always do. In anticipation of feeling some soreness tomorrow, I went ahead and booked a Pilates mat class for in the morning!

Training Plan, Post I

I've been thinking of coming up with a training plan for the gym/ballet once I start classes at the beginning of the year. Coincidentally, while searching for something else, I came across this article, "How to Design a Training Plan" (for ballet). (That link is pretty much the sole reason for this post, but enter: some personal thoughts on what I need to work on.)

Edit: Toe strengthening exercise here

Since moving back to my hometown, I've been doing GREAT with going to the gym. I've never been able to be as consistent as I have been, and I'm extremely pleased and proud of myself. I have been focusing more on strength at the gym, and that's definitely good- but this article serves as a good reminder that I really need to focus on stretching, too! I've been doing a little, but not nearly as much as I should be doing.

Another note to self: I need to wake up earlier so I can do as I was previously at the gym- doing a full workout before even starting on ballet... and then doing a full 45-60 minutes of ballet. Lately (thanks to the colder weather, much shorter days, and ergo: depression), I've been getting up later, and haven't had the time to do both, so I've pretty much only done ballet, with like 10-15 minutes of cardio (ugh). This needs to change.

Speaking of cardio, I'm already dreading ballet class jumps. I really need to work on my endurance- I recall from class that my jumps have never been high enough, and I feel like an elephant trying to get my feet off the ground. My body just feels so heavy when it comes to jumping (and I'm not talking jetes or anything fancy), and the fact that it's so cardio does not help. But: I WILL IMPROVE.

I just couldn't stay away...

...Ballet is now in my heart!

Hello, lovelies! It's been over two years since my last post. Life happened, and ballet classes became difficult, but it hasn't left my heart!

I made a move in December 2015, and while there was a ballet class option for me as an adult, it was about a 45 minute drive one-way- a tough prospect even without the inevitable depression swings! I did make it to two or three classes. They were so much different from the classes I've normally taken. There was a lot more work on different combinations, but a lot less work on proper technique. It was definitely a lot of fun- it felt far more "dance-y" than usual, but I didn't really like that I had to focus so much on remembering what I was supposed to be doing that I couldn't work on form. I did, however, learn how to do a pirouette... technically, anyway! ☺

Fast forward to summer of 2017 and we come to my being back in my hometown. I hadn't been here long before it was time to register for fall classes at my favorite school, and circumstances were that I just couldn't yet make the commitment to attend class twice a week, so I didn't enroll. What I did do was get myself a gym membership, and I'm proud to say I've been pretty regular at going to the gym! Even better: my gym offers a Barre class (yuck, I tried it)... which means... they have BARRES in the studio, attached to the walls! Guess who has added some very basic ballet to her gym routine?

Now, I don't know if they changed their website, or if I somehow missed it (more likely), but I was drooling over the school's website one day, and I happen across this statement:

Adult students who are unable to attend on a regular basis may pay for individual classes.

Say whatttt??!! I could have been taking classes all that time without worrying about whether or not I missed occasionally?

So, of course, I made it to the next available class! I'd be too behind in the grade I've graduated to, so I took the class in the same grade I'd taken two years ago. I spoke with one of the administration and paid my drop-in rate. My class was going to be in a different studio, with a different instructor. Said instructor was surprised to see an adult in her class- "You spoke to admin? And they said it was okay? Well, okay...."

I also had to deal with my young classmates (8-9 years old or so) being surprised at having such an old lady (haha) taking a class with them. That part is weird for the first class or three- it's like they're either in awe of me, or terrified of me, or both! I've forgotten a lot of the steps, but I had a general idea of what I was doing. I found some of the little girls were sort of looking to me to follow, while I was looking towards another little girl to follow! I always try to be a really good student, because I'm really grateful to be able to take classes there even though I'm the only adult in the class, and one of the only ones in the school. I count out the steps or call out the movements the way we are supposed to when I remember, even though it's sometimes just me and the teacher doing so.

The huge highlight of my first class: one of my classmates asked me where I did ballet at. I told her I just took classes at the school. Her eyes grew big and she replied, "wow! you're really good!" That was awesome :)

Anyway, at the end of that class, they handed out the schedule to the Nutcracker rehearsals and such. I don't even know if I CAN be in the Nutcracker, and even if so, it wouldn't be this year, so I am waiting until the holidays are over, and starting classes again in January! I'm SO excited!

In other news, I'm tending to an injury of some sort, so I haven't even been to the gym in a week or so. I thought it was my hamstring, but it's flaring up to my rear end, so I'm pretty sure it's my sciatic nerve. I'm taking it really easy, babying it, icing it, and I tried compression when I thought it was just my hamstring. It doesn't seem to be getting better, though, and I don't know what to do :( I read to try and stretch out a sciatic nerve flare up, so I am going to try that again, but it didn't seem to help around the time I tried compression. I have a doctor appointment later this month, so if it's not feeling better by then, I will ask for help. I so badly want this to be healed by the time class starts back up!

Last thing: OMG, Instagram! All of these wonderful beginner (and more advanced) adult ballet students posting! Honestly, it's what inspired me to start writing in this blog again. the.pointer.sisters are currently my favorite ballet students to follow- more advanced than I which is so inspiring, and they always look like they are having such fun! Anyway, I haven't posted anything yet, but I plan on doing so soon, so please follow me @luvballetluv!

Actual last thing: I was very surprised to come back to see that I had a comment on my post about MDM ballet shoes- it meant someone's read this blog! At the time I read the comment, I couldn't find a US retailer of the shoes, but since then, it looks like they are once again available in the USA. I tried using them recently at the gym, which worked a couple of times, but the floor is really dirty there sometimes. I still really love the shoe, and feel like I get more of a foot workout with them than with normal full-sole shoes, so I may invest in a pair just for practice. (Currently using Bloch 205L, which are increasingly difficult to find.)

Ending with some beautiful photos:

My Ballet Life Update: Back to Class Soon!

So I've taken quite a break from ballet, which has been very discouraging for me. I've had a lot going on- most notably the continuing lack of energy I mentioned before. My doctor has me trying a new medication to help me stay awake; I'm still figuring out the best way to take the dosage I was given over the day (as a full dose once a day was too much for me, and anything else wears off quickly- but some combo of smaller doses throughout the day seems to be going well).

Unfortunately, I eventually gave up my exercising/ballet movements, simply because there wasn't enough time for me to do that with all the sleeping combined with a couple of other things I've been doing a bit obsessively in the little time I'm awake (reading YA dystopian fiction and sewing!). I believe I've also mentioned before that I have a tendency to be really motivated about an activity, only to lose motivation and interest for awhile (though my interest usually picks back up at some point- almost like I tend to cycle through my interests!). I decided to go ahead and do some other things, and maybe by the time the fall season was about to start, I'd be ready again.

I was right! I'm getting more and more into my ballet-obsession mode. I've been finding myself very discouraged about this... well, not that I'm getting into it again, but that I was doing so well and making a lot of progress (muscle tone and strength, balance, improving on my technique, flexibility), only to stop for so long, losing a lot of what I'd accomplished. (Did I mention how awesome my legs were looking, too?) But, I'm not going to let that bring me down anymore. I just came across a great positive affirmation for me at this small setback in my life:

DEAR SELF, 

THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME. 

LOVE, ME

Yes, I've lost the bit of flexibility that I'd gained from months of ballet and stretching. BUT that injury I incurred on myself awhile back has finally just about healed! (This was the first injury I've had in life that has shown me that I'm now at that age where my body simply doesn't heal as fast as it once did. Lesson learned: I'll be proceeding slower and with more caution now!) I just checked on it a week or so ago and still felt a bit of pain. Today's the first time I've been able to do even a minor stretch without it hurting, and that's awesome! I should be able to start a mild stretching routine on that leg; I'll give it a couple more weeks though to make sure.

Yes, I've lost much of the muscle tone I gained, especially in my legs. However, I still naturally have not-too-much fat on my body, and I DO still have some of the muscle tone and strength, so it shouldn't take quite as long to start seeing results again. That was the first time I've ever had my body so toned, and I love that I was actually able to do it, to get myself active enough to see results (when I've always had a tendency to some laziness and an aversion to most things considered "exercise"). I am going to get to this point again, yes, and I will also do it a bit differently this time. I really mostly focused on my lower body before. I've come to really understand how vital the core is to ballet, so the exercises I do at home will be more holistic this time around. 

So the big news in my life right now: I start ballet again next month- less than four weeks to go! I emailed my teacher to let her know I do want to start again this coming season and asked her what grade I should go to (i.e., did I graduate or not?). She told me I did indeed graduate and could come to the next grade's classes, a step up (where, hopefully, my little friends will be, too!). This time, however, I got approval to take both this new, more advanced grade AND the grade I was in. There are steps & movements I didn't get to learn from her the first time, and I found it difficult to pick up just by watching the others. I want to retake the grade so 1) I can learn from her some of what I didn't before, 2) I can keep working on my technique at a slower pace, 3) I'll build more muscle and flexibility with an extra class, and most importantly: 4) MORE BALLET. I'm so excited.

My classes start August 25. I plan to do much more blogging than these past few months once I'm back into it.

Some inspiration:

Still interested in ballet, still around!

So, I've had crazy stuff going on lately, and I've totally taken up sewing- which I am in love with, along with a bunch of other arts and crafts. Once I stopped going to ballet class, I kept up with working out (grande plies in both fifths work AMAZING for the upper legs!) for quite awhile- my legs are much more muscular than they've ever been.

Then depression started kicking in. Up until a few days ago, when I drastically lowered one of my medications, I was sleeping ALL the time. Go to work: sleep throughout the day. Go home: immediately crash and wake up the next morning to go back to work. The few days a week I was actually awake, I was working on my sewing- and still browsing Pinterest ballet pictures, wishing I had the energy to work on ballet some more.

I'm back on an upswing, it seems. Over the weekend, I added a couple of sets of plies and releves to my day. I've done a little bit more each day. Yesterday, I had something of a setback, that also has (hopefully) turned into something somewhat positive... Remember the injury I received from (idiotically) forcing my splits months ago? It was feeling a lot better, though not all the way. Last night I decided to try to stretch it some, and see how it went. I think I pushed just a bit too hard (and it wasn't all that much to begin with), so that it hurts this morning- not a good I've-stretched feeling but an "ow, this still isn't healed" feeling. It's been months! The fact that I'm getting older is starting to dawn on me more and more.

So what's positive about that? Well, I've been seeing some beautiful photos of ballerinas on pointe who DON'T have perfect splits or perfect turnout or this or that. And they're still beautiful. I wish I hadn't injured myself, but I did, and I have absolutely no choice but to let my body take as long as it needs to heal. So instead of being down on myself, I'm just going to go with the flow. The few movements I can't make with the injured leg aren't THAT big of a deal. (And frankly, it's not like I was going to get splits before the fall season!)

I can still work on splits with my other leg. And what's more, splits and that sort of stretching are pretty much the only thing I can't work on with that leg right now. On the positive side: I've been working on turnout quite a bit- sometimes even when I do absolutely nothing else. And my turnout seems to really be improving. I can FEEL the strength there deep inside my hips, and I can TELL that I'm rotating from there and not my knee. I'm getting more comfortable balancing in a larger turnout. And my injury isn't stopping me from working on that- which is probably much more important than splits anyway. (It's in a very close area, but the injury seems to be on the back side of that area, while working on my front side/rotator muscles doesn't touch it at all from what I can feel.)

So, I just wanted to check in, make a quick update. I've got lots to do the next few months. I'm still not sure what class I will get into next season. Either way is fine- I wouldn't mind being back in the same class so I can totally get down all of the things I was having trouble with because I never SAW it being taught. If I graduate and go into the next step up, that's great too- closer to pointe and I'll work extra hard to catch up on a few things, maybe take a couple of private lessons.

(Speaking of pointe- I've also totally still been working on my ankle, toe, and foot strength, and I'm seeing SUCH a difference, especially when I releve. The curve of my foot goes OVER my toes!)

Ballet as a Coping Mechanism

I mentioned before that I've suffered from depression and other mental health issues in the past. I recently brought up ballet to my therapist, and he said that ballet should be a good coping mechanism for me, in tough times when I need something.

I had a fairly rough day emotionally, the other day. My emotions were all wound up. With nothing else to do, I turned to ballet. Well, it was mostly working out ballet-style, but whatever the case, I threw my heart and soul into it. My thoughts and feelings didn't go away- they were still there, but it was like I was able to feel the feelings I didn't want to feel and think the thoughts I didn't want to think by pushing all of the hurt into exercise, all of that negative energy detoured towards something more positive than wallowing in it all. I'm very grateful to have this new thing in my life, and the reasons are multiplying.

I have my third class later today, and I am very anxious for it to start. I'm leaving work earlier than I need to so I can go straight there, get dressed, and get in a good warm-up and stretch session before class, now that I know it's okay to use the extra studio (very large, tons of mirrors, barre against two walls). I can also practice those steps my new little friend taught me last Thursday (still working on those). Now for 3:30 to get here, c'mon, c'mon...

Unmotivated & Discouraged Last Night

I got a little discouraged with myself yesterday. I should have just gone through "Year One, Lesson Three (Barre)" but not only does it get harder than I am able to do right now (though I know that means it's what I NEED to work on- something a little harder than what I can currently do), there is a part in the beginning when I can't see her feet, so I can't follow along so well (I'm still learning the names of movements). And I was kinda jumpy, trying to figure out what I wanted to do, and pretty much never deciding on anything.

I did check out my second DVD purchase last night... I thought it was the actual 101 and 201 courses, but I was incorrect. It's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000ECX6KU/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000ECX6KU&linkCode=as2&tag=agenamer-20&linkId=W2A4NDTDOAONRWG6">Ballet 101 & 201, Combinations</a><img src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=agenamer-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000ECX6KU" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /> (disclaimer: referral link). So it's the COMBINATIONS of moves learned in different DVDs, so that's over my head (and certainly feet) for me right now. I wish I'd looked at what I was purchasing more closely.

I practiced some releves and plies and a few hip rotations, but that was about it last night. I started looking up different videos and got distracted by that, and so in the end I didn't accomplish much, and I'm not very happy with myself about that. But I DID go on Dance Flix to sign up and I ordered what seems to be Finis Jhung's easiest ballet DVD class. I can keep it as long as I want and then exchange it.

One other thing: my daughter's half-brother's (her dad's son) mother grew up with a ballet family: her mother and father own a ballet studio locally, the only one that has classes specifically for adults. My daughter talked to her and she said I can take the adult classes for $10 each or $35 a month- nearly half of what I was expecting to pay! I'm a little worried she will be teaching the class- I don't really talk to her much, though we are on friendly terms, and having her instruct me would make me really self-conscious. I know she still has part in running the studio; I just don't know if she teaches. BUT that was the school I had planned on going anyway when I start, and now I can do it for about half off!

I also think I've been fighting a little bit of depression lately.

Teaching Myself: How, and Where I'm Currently At

I brought my pointe shoes home and fell in love. My mom came over so I could show them off to her. I jump up onto pointe (no clue about rolling up to pointe yet) and- to both of our surprise, I tiptoe my way around my living room, even managing to turn a time or two. I stepped back down and looked at my mom- her eyes were huge! "HOW are you DOING that?" The shoes! They're magic!

As I mentioned in my first post, I'd started researching ballet more and more. I was becoming intrigued more and more. I found an adult class in my area. It's $60 a month for the one class (very reduced prices for more than an hour a week), which is pretty good, I reckon, certainly something I'm willing to pay... just not right now.

Earlier this year I was hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety, with a plan to commit suicide. The depression and anxiety are something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember, and everything just seemed to culminate into one big bomb this year that finally went off. Five months ago I didn't expect to be alive right now. I was wary of doing 28+ days of inpatient, but promised my mom- who I'd told I didn't think I was going to be alive much longer- that I would try EVERYTHING I possibly could before I did anything. I did everything I was supposed to do in the hospital, went to all my groups AND started taking the medications I was prescribed as I was supposed to. My doctor was absolutely amazing and managed to find the perfect combination of meds for me (something that can be really hit-or-miss, so I feel blessed). Between the time off to take care of my mental health, the establishment of some sort of routine in my life, and the medication, I have become a completely different person. I still have anxiety, but it's not as bad now. My depression, however, is pretty much GONE. And that's part of where this new interest in ballet is coming from: I am getting to know myself as a different, healthier, happier person- and I want this to extend to my body and mind as well.

The point of that was that I am still playing financial catch-up from the work I missed and the bills I got behind on. I am also working fewer hours than I was before, and it's hard for me to commit to a $60 month bill right now. Besides that, it seems like ballet has seasons like schools do, and it's the middle of the season, so I would feel odd starting now anyway.

But I found a number of resources for beginner's ballet and have decided to teach myself... up to a point. I know that it is very easy to learn things incorrectly (that I'd have to retrain myself out of), so I am taking precautions against that. A background in yoga has helped me be body-conscious and more able to look at someone doing something and compare myself in the mirror to see if I am doing the same thing. I watch different instructors go over things to see if any do things differently and also because some will point out helpful tips that others don't bring up.

I have a ton of videos saved, but right now I am using the awesome classes Tamra Chace has on YouTube, starting with "Year One, Lesson One":

It's very basic- I'm doing one class each week and am only up to the second week right now. So far, we have done very little port de bras and most of it has been without using our legs at the same time. I'm definitely lagging in the port de bras department right now (and am still looking for a decent video that shows what the heck my fingers are supposed to do when I'm moving my arms!) but I am definitely learning how to tendu and battement tendu and do slow ronde de jambe.

So right now I am definitely more concerned with technique than anything else, besides strength. I'd rather start a real ballet class with more strength so I can progress more quickly, and what I am doing at home is helping me learn where exactly I should focus building strength- and it's also giving me the motivation to go through with it. I have never been someone who enjoys working out nor have I ever made the commitment to stick with something like this, but I'm working on changing that.

The night I started Tamra Chace's lessons, I realized how much strength I was going to need to build up- holding a leg up in the air is so much harder than it looks! So I've started doing thigh, calf, foot-and-toe exercises along with lots of follow-along stretching! Ballerina Lisa Maree has a TON of fantastic videos on stretching and getting in shape. This was the first one I started with:

I simply could NOT figure out how she was doing that exercise known as "doming"- I couldn't make my foot do anything remotely close to that. One evening, I sat down and started trying to make my foot dome by using my hand next to it so my foot could follow along with my hand (something recommended in a video by someone else). That wasn't working too well, so I watched my foot and just tried to move different muscles. I finally noticed the activity in my arch when I point my foot, and was actually able to isolate that muscle! It took a little more time with the left foot, but I soon got that one isolated as well! That was days ago, and I am still so psyched about it! In just those few days, I've gotten my "dome" a lot more curved- it's SO exciting! (And I did it myself!)

I've also struggled with turn-out... something I've learned that a LOT of people struggle with in ballet! I watched all of the videos I could find, lying on my side putting one bent leg on a pillow and bringing the other leg up, doing the butterfly, sitting with my feet touching and legs in a diamond while pressing at the tops of my legs- nothing was really helping me. Then I came across a simple stretching video (that I can't find at the moment). A young woman was showing how she stretches her hips by placing one foot on a chair and then rolling her body around so the standing leg's hip rotates around in it's socket. Why not, I gave it a shot. I put a leg up on a chair and started rotating my body. I closed my eyes and really FELT what was going on in my hips. And suddenly, I found those deep, inner hip muscles that are supposed to be used for turnout. I knew I wasn't finding them correctly before, so I'd just put my feet in a small V shape for first position, not even trying to turnout for fear of doing it incorrectly. But now- I was able to feel the muscles I was supposed to be using and could now use the muscle memory to make sure I was doing it correctly at the barre (yes, the barre- the one I built in my living room! More on that later!) When I was done with the first leg, I went to the next and learned where those muscles were and how to access them.

As you can imagine, that was a big deal for me. Sometimes I try to overdo it, but I can tell when I am doing this: the arches of my feet turn inward and my knees don't go directly over my feet. But I'm about 99.999% sure I have accessed them correctly, because when I do use them properly, my feet don't turn inwards and my knees are over my toes when I plié. I also know I am overdoing it when my glutes are crunched together or I can't plié without arching my back awkwardly. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm doing okay with that, though I know I really need a ballet instructor to tell me for sure. I'll stick with what I'm doing for now. 

The main thing, along with flexibility, is STRENGTH. I'm pretty lucky in that I naturally have something close to a "ballet body". I'm not very tall (though not overly short) and I'm naturally skinny: 5'3" with weight fluctuating between 115-119lbs. The only part that doesn't really fit is my chest size (34D). Luckily, the leotards I have purchased flatten me down quite a bit. And... well... they're actually implants, so if I ever magically become a prima ballerina, I'll take those babies out! :) I was concerned with them until I started seeing all of the different body types who take ballet- and some of them, like the Remedial Ballerina, even PERFORM! Between being in my mid-30s, not being very flexible, not being very strong, never having taken a ballet class (except that one time when I was six and took it at day care... only to come running out crying to my mom when she came to pick me up, telling her I didn't want to take it anymore because... I got sweaty. Yep.), and having fuller breasts, I thought this might be a hobby I do here and there. But now that I know I can have the chance to PERFORM... it's ON now! (I'm very introverted and socially awkward and shy, but put me in a spotlight where I know what I'm doing and I become a different person!)

So that's where I am right now: working my way through Tamra Chace's beginner ballet classes, supplementing her classes with more in-depth videos on tendus, pliés, etc, doing strength training focusing on my lower body and core, and working on my flexibility by stretching a lot. Right now, I've been doing about 1-3 hours of all of this daily for about a week and a half (missing Monday and Tuesday of this week because I wasn't feeling well and came home and crashed until morning) and my goal is to keep that at 2-3 hours daily (sometimes changing out the workouts for hiking with my dog). 

I've still got more to share with you, but it's time to get in a little reading before I hit the barre!