Ballet vs. Depression & Anxiety

Damn, I hit a really rough patch, out of nowhere. I pretty much laid in bed binge-watching Oz (which I'd never seen, and is... over 20 years old! I'm ancient!) for a month straight. I did make it to a few ballet classes.

Anyway, I'm really starting to feel better now that I was prescribed Abilify for the first time. That's 5mg on top of 300mg Wellbutrin, 40mg Prozac, up to 8mg Suboxone (I really try to keep it to 6mg, though when I'm really depressed, it can sneak up to about 12mg a day... which only serves to make me more tired, which makes me more depressed... but hey, that's an addictive personality for ya), and 2mg Xanax a day (which I also try to keep lower). Anyway, the Abilify is kicking in, and I made it back to the gym again, and plan to get to class today!

I skipped a week of classes because I was asleep most of the day and night for awhile. But at my last class, I was almost at a full side split on my left! I can't wait to get back down there and snap a pic!! I'm so psyched!

Yours truly, taken yesterday. After missing over a week of classes- properly warmed up, I'm almost there!!

I'm also so worried. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go en pointe. When I'm not deep inside depression, I KNOW I can do it! I'm so motivated and excited! But when I get so low, sometimes I can't even make it to class. It's soooo hard for me to maintain class regularly because of this. I fear missing one too many classes and not being able to stay en pointe. And I don't say this to, like, talk myself out of it. It's more of an honest possibility that I have to consider, because I have ALWAYS been like this. I'm 38 years old. I know myself and my limitations, and I've finally started learning to accept them, and work with them... I'm EXTREMELY proud of myself for finding something ACTIVE and physical that I love so much, and have committed to in such a strong way... but I also know that depression IS GOING to hit and there will be times I just can't get to class. That's not me talking myself out of the potential for not being that way- that hope is ALWAYS there. But I have to remain realistic about my boundaries.

Anyway, this post is getting depressing, HAHA. Let's get to some gorgeous, motivating photos, shall we?

via @wiktoria_reszka on Instagram via Pinterest (Her body, WOW!)

via Dina Simpson?

Update: I got in trouble in class!

Thought I would post a quick update. Class is going great- I've made it to all of them so far (which isn't many, but still!). I actually got in trouble in my third class. I made a ballet-class-friend who is about 13-14, the second oldest in my class. She loves ballet as much as I do! I get very excited to talk to her... but the only time I can do that is IN class.

I was just telling her a quick note about how, with the waltz we were doing (which, I just found out, is more appropriately called balance en tournant, although we haven't gotten to the turning part yet), the point of brushing the foot against the floor, as the teacher was stressing, was to provide friction and make our feet stronger! As I was finishing my sentence, I heard the teacher telling everyone to be quiet. I looked around and the entire class was looking at me- apparently, I was the only one talking!

Yes, I know that's SO rude, and I was properly embarrassed! I was just SO excited to have someone in front of me I could talk to about learning ballet!! Needless to say, I haven't talked in class again.

When I took ballet previously at this school, I started in the winter season, same as this time. This class is a lot farther behind than when I took it before. Part of me really likes learning things like balance en tournant like a beginner, with everything broken down really simply. The other part of me fears we won't be caught up as far next year. (And the anxious part of me is scared I mixed things up and am taking a lower grade than ever before!)

After battling some more depression, and likewise not going to the gym, I made it back to the gym yesterday. I just did 3 miles on the bike, some ab work, and a little ballet. My mind was wandering around oddly- I started the medication Seroquel last week, and I think it's affecting the way I think.

I also made it to a Pilates class this past week- Reformer Basics, and have a mat class scheduled for Tuesday!

One more thing: I'm having to sell my Capezio BraTek camisole leotards, sadly. They are an adult sized medium, which usually fits perfectly, but my bust is just a bit too large for the bra part to feel comfortable. I may try one in a size large, as it was REALLY helping hold my chest down and compress it. (That Bal Togs I posted about before, though, is AWESOME!)

First Class (Back): Success!

I'm so happy, and proud of myself. In spite of the fact my mind and body, via depression, were telling me to just give up on ballet, not go to class, I went anyway.

I took a nap that afternoon until about 1pm, and woke up in a good mood, luckily not groggy. I decided to go ahead and get dressed in my ballet outfit, 4 hours in advance. I took my time, trying on the various leotards I've accumulated since the last time I took a class. (I love buying leotards, what can I say?)

One of my most recent purchases was this Bal Togs sports bra:

Here's the front:

If you've read any of my blog, you'll see that I'm often on the hunt for different ways of keeping my girls in. My breasts don't look very big in this photo, but I had breast augmentation about a decade ago, bringing them from an A/B cup up to my current 32DDD.

For the record, my grade's dress code is: black leotard, preferably long-sleeved, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, no extras.

I love camisole leotards, and I love to wear them when I'm at the gym (although usually under something else), but when I'm in class- I'm around a bunch of very young girls and their protective mothers, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my ability to continue taking classes there. So I try to dress as modestly as possible, while still attempting to find ways to change my style from a totally basic scoop-neck/high-back tank or short-sleeve leotard. (I recently ordered a long-sleeve leotard, basic black, but I get hot extremely easily, so I think that will probably last through one class, if that. But I want to try.)

Back to this Bal Togs bra. I purchased it from Discount Dance during a clearance sale to wear under this leotard I also purchased during this sale:

(Turns out I have another leotard just like that one, but with lace instead of mesh, LOL.) I love the bra! Especially when paired with a leotard, it really compresses my breasts and prevents them from hopping up and down when I jump. I ended up wearing this leotard to class:

No mesh like the one above

which was surprisingly comfortable. Paired with the Bal Togs- along with some plain, adhesive nipple covers, I felt much better than when I wear a VS Sports bra to class. With those, I don't have to wear the nipple covers, but they enhance my cleavage instead of compressing it.

So class went well, and it was one of the first classes I've felt like "Oh! I know this one!" pretty much the entire class! Even though I have taken about a month or so off from any sort of ballet practice, the hard work I put in before was NOT (as my depressed self tried to assure me) in vain. I'm really learning, and I'm becoming more comfortable with the movements. And when we galloped across the center of the room, two at a time, I actually felt like I looked graceful!

One more thing: since taking classes (even from before), I have struggled with some of the full-body positions we usually do during center. My previous instructor (who I will likely have next year) is amazing, but she always seemed too busy for me to feel comfortable to ask, and the times I thought about asking previous classmates, I didn't have a pen and paper with me. But Monday, I spoke with my teacher, and she was great! She demonstrated the movement and gave me time to write them out. Now, to practice them!

In case you're wondering, here is the list:
croise devant
a la quatrieme devant
ecarte
efface
a la seconde
epaule
a la quatrieme derriere
croise derriere

I had to take my car to the shop yesterday, so I'm not sure if I will be able to make it to class tonight. I hope so, because I know next week is when parents get to come in and watch, and I really don't want to be there for that. (I've done it- my mom came once. But I just haven't learned that much since then, and it'd be weird with only a couple of classes under my belt with this instructor.) Anyway, back to loving ballet!!

Ballet Class Today *gulp*

Depression has been kicking in hardcore lately, and I've barely left the house. I go through phases of interests in activities, and I've recently gotten back into hiking. When I "get into" something, I obsess over it. When I obsess over it, other objects of obsession drift to the background for awhile, until I come back to them. So I've been obsessing over hiking, while ballet has taken second place to it.

For months now, I have been looking SO forward to TODAY, my first ballet class in months, and the first one I can take consistently in a long time. I think partially it's my depression trying to talk me out of my love and enjoyment of ballet: "Hiking (which I'm mostly putting off the majority of until the weather gets a bit warmer, and thus is something I could use as a tool for procrastination) is so much more feasible for you than ballet," my mind is telling me. "You're never going to get far with it because you have so much trouble going consistently. It just isn't for you. You've shown in the past that you can't stick with it consistently, disciplined. That's okay- you should just find something that doesn't take up quite so much time and dedication (and something that's not 30 minutes away)."

My mind keeps running: "You were working so hard there for awhile, when you moved back here and started going to the gym. But then you stopped, all that hard work for nothing- all those hours at the barre and it's going to be like you're basically a beginner tonight. Class is only an hour, and only twice a week. How will you progress? Do you even want to? Was this just a pipe dream?"

All of this crap running through my head. I knew one of the reasons I'd decide to stay home is simple comfort. It's cold outside, and it's warm and cozy inside. I remedied this by going ahead and getting dressed for ballet. Discount Dance recently had a sale on a few things I've been wanting, one of which was a sports bra made for dance. My VS Sports bras are usually great, but they make my breasts look HUGE in class, and I'm already trying to counteract my tilted pelvis, so I've been wanting something that provides some compression AND support. Bonus points if I can wear it under leotard styles beyond the basic short sleeve or high-back tank. This one is made by Baltogs, and I LOVE it!

It gives lots of support when I jump (as long as I have a leotard over it as well, and it looks great under a couple of lace-back leotards I have. I'll try to get a photo of the rest of my outfit tonight later on.

I still don't know how to get in a decent warmup before class. The hall in my school is very narrow and crowded. My gym is too far away- I'd be cold again by the time I got to class.

Anyway, in conclusion, just by putting on my leotard, I feel a lot more into going to class than I did before. And I know I'll feel better afterwards- I pretty much always do. In anticipation of feeling some soreness tomorrow, I went ahead and booked a Pilates mat class for in the morning!

For those times I'm down on my non-ballerina body...

-via Pointe Til You Drop blog

Update: Sick, Pas de Bourres, Adding a Bra to a Leotard

As luck would have it, just as I was getting over my not feeling so well from the car wreck I was in, I caught a cold earlier this week. It got bad on Tuesday, when I left work early, and I stayed at home in bed Wednesday and Thursday as well. I'm feeling much better. I pondered going to ballet both of those days (though I felt really bad, especially Tuesday), but decided that not only would it probably make me not feel better, I would likely spread it to all of my classmates, who would then spread it to their respective school classrooms and I would just be responsible for this huge catastrophe of sickness. So, I stayed home.

I'm definitely getting back into it today. Nothing too hardcore as I'm not at 100% but I can't not do anything today. I'm already worried my teacher is thinking I'm not taking ballet seriously- and I am! I'll explain to her what happened, of course. And today, I think I am going to work on some of the slower online classes that I know well, the ones by Tamra Chace, and do some stretching. At the end, if I feel like it, I will work on my pas de bourre. I'm really getting the hang of them, and want to really have them nailed the next time I go to class... or at least to where I'm not totally tangled up doing them in class.

I've been working on visualizing those pas de bourres a lot, since I haven't been able to do them. I've been watching two videos over and over to see how gracefully the dancers do them, and then try to imagine myself doing the movements as gracefully. Hopefully that's helping. One is from the Royal Opera House. We don't move front to back, only to the sides, but even so, I'm watching those movements too to help figure out how to gracefully do the sides. This is the other one and I don't even know who these people are, but I like that I can watch several people to see how each of them do the movements.

The other thing I am planning on starting today is this: I've been lamenting about my lack of leotard options as a woman with a D cup/fuller breasts. Basically, I have been confined to plain, basic tank leotards; plain, basic short-sleeve and long-sleeve leotards, and, well, that's just about it. (Although I have recently purchased one with lace at the shoulders, and can wear a bra with clear straps for that one.) But I still have my pretty leotards that I can't wear to class!

So I've decided to recycle an old bra to use with a leotard, probably my older white one (it's seen better days, so I will use it first. Also, it flattens me out a bit instead of pushing me up, which is better for ballet!). My goal is to cut the back off starting from an inch or two past the cups on the side, and cut everything from there back out. Then I am going to fold the edges I cut, and maybe add something else in for reinforcement there. (Excuse me, I don't know sewing terms.) And then I am going to add black elastic strips. With this one, it will probably be three horizontal straps, so that when the bra is on (which will hopefully just slip over my head? Or I may need to add hooks), the front will be supported and in the back you will just see three horizontal black stripes, which will hopefully blend in and look like it's part of my leotard.

I've been looking at a ton of ideas for doing this. I've got some ideas for straps as well. Here are some of the photos that have been inspiring me:

This is how the first one I plan to do will hopefully look, only under a camisole leotard with a very low back. I'm just not sure if strapless will be enough support. If not, I will add straps in somewhere...

Basically what mine will look like, hopefully, only the front won't match and won't be so pretty on my first try!

This was my original idea, for the really pretty black leotard I still have the tags on, because I just don't have a bra to match the straps and without a bra, it just looks awkward. It looks like with this one, you could actually sew in the bra straps inside the leotard straps, though I'm not sure how that will work with the one I have in mind.

I wouldn't put the adjustments there at the top like that, but I plan to use mine for low-back leotards. I'd love to make something where the straps could be worn or not... but if worn, they would match my leotards shape. So, not like the traditional multi-way bras that VS has and such.