Ballet vs. Depression & Anxiety

Damn, I hit a really rough patch, out of nowhere. I pretty much laid in bed binge-watching Oz (which I'd never seen, and is... over 20 years old! I'm ancient!) for a month straight. I did make it to a few ballet classes.

Anyway, I'm really starting to feel better now that I was prescribed Abilify for the first time. That's 5mg on top of 300mg Wellbutrin, 40mg Prozac, up to 8mg Suboxone (I really try to keep it to 6mg, though when I'm really depressed, it can sneak up to about 12mg a day... which only serves to make me more tired, which makes me more depressed... but hey, that's an addictive personality for ya), and 2mg Xanax a day (which I also try to keep lower). Anyway, the Abilify is kicking in, and I made it back to the gym again, and plan to get to class today!

I skipped a week of classes because I was asleep most of the day and night for awhile. But at my last class, I was almost at a full side split on my left! I can't wait to get back down there and snap a pic!! I'm so psyched!

Yours truly, taken yesterday. After missing over a week of classes- properly warmed up, I'm almost there!!

I'm also so worried. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go en pointe. When I'm not deep inside depression, I KNOW I can do it! I'm so motivated and excited! But when I get so low, sometimes I can't even make it to class. It's soooo hard for me to maintain class regularly because of this. I fear missing one too many classes and not being able to stay en pointe. And I don't say this to, like, talk myself out of it. It's more of an honest possibility that I have to consider, because I have ALWAYS been like this. I'm 38 years old. I know myself and my limitations, and I've finally started learning to accept them, and work with them... I'm EXTREMELY proud of myself for finding something ACTIVE and physical that I love so much, and have committed to in such a strong way... but I also know that depression IS GOING to hit and there will be times I just can't get to class. That's not me talking myself out of the potential for not being that way- that hope is ALWAYS there. But I have to remain realistic about my boundaries.

Anyway, this post is getting depressing, HAHA. Let's get to some gorgeous, motivating photos, shall we?

via @wiktoria_reszka on Instagram via Pinterest (Her body, WOW!)

via Dina Simpson?

Skipping (part of) a grade...

I AM SO STOKED! Here's what happened recently:

I've been going to class pretty consistently, and was really liking the second level I've been in. I pretty much knew what was going on and was able to really focus on technique, as it's the class that I originally took before (starting, again, in the middle of the year). The class was super full, though. I never went on an evening when everyone was there, but if I had, I would not have been able to drop-in.

So, the administration lady speaks to me about moving to the next level. Honestly, I felt a bit pressured to do so. I chose to take the level I was taking for a reason. I couldn't commit to the next level at the beginning of the year, and I felt starting halfway through, I'd just be totally lost. But she was really encouraging me to, as the level I'm in has far fewer students.

I just couldn't do it Tuesday. It took hours for me to get up the nerve to get dressed and go to school. Even with my anxiety, I was extremely tense and nervous. I did NOT want to be way behind everyone else. So I speak with the instructor, and she doesn't mind if I take the class, but she reiterates that she is not going to hold up the class just for me. Sure, I totally understand that, but the second time she said it, I felt a little challenged... which was good.

I went in there and nailed it! Okay, my form wasn't anywhere near good, and my pas de bourres, echappes, and assembles were a mess. I had no clue what they were doing with the pirouette business... I was taught how to (technically, if not in reality) do one in a class in a different school, but that was the whole deal. This method breaks things down into quarter turns- which makes sense, but wasn't what I expected.

Oh, and to top it off! Before class started, and I'd made it inside the studio with the other students, I confessed I was terrified and they were all going to be so far ahead of me. Keep in mind these kids are about ten years old. They were so sweet! They encouraged me to follow them, helped me out with one of the across-the-floor moves we were doing, and everyone told me afterwards what a great job I had done!

The best part of this, though, is that I totally faced my fear and conquered it. I did so much better than I expected. In the other class, and I realized this, I wasn't really pushing myself. I'd done it before. But with this one, I'm really going to need to work hard to catch up. It's not going to take long to finish memorizing the barre work, since most of it is what we'd ended with before. But the center "jumps"- the ones I've been procrastinating on- I'm going to really need to start tackling those in my gym/barre-room time.

Speaking of the gym, I'm very happy and proud to say I've started going back this week! Arms one day, legs another- the latter followed by some ballet, until my legs just gave out on me.

Things are going pretty sweet here on my end! I really needed to take this class, to inspire me to push myself. If I'm not challenged, I usually can't put my heart & soul into it.

One last thing that, of course, I have to mention. Moving up a grade puts me one year closer to earning my pointe shoes! I'm having trouble understanding the levels listed on the website, but I think I will start one year from this Fall. OMGOMGOMG!

Saved by

Juanita De Los Santos

 Via Pinterest

Photos for more inspiration!

Southeastern Regional Ballet Association - Photo by Richard Calmes http://www.pbase.com/rcalmes. Via Pinterest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elevé Dancewear (@elevedancewear) on Instagram: “Looking forward to this week • Photo by @darianvolkova Model @ionovaworld Via Pinterest.

<< "La danse n'a plus rien à raconter : elle a beaucoup à dire" ... © Maurice Béjart>> Via Pinterest.

And because you know I'm obsessed with ballet feet...

Saved by

Bruna Santana Via Pinterest

Ballet Class Today *gulp*

Depression has been kicking in hardcore lately, and I've barely left the house. I go through phases of interests in activities, and I've recently gotten back into hiking. When I "get into" something, I obsess over it. When I obsess over it, other objects of obsession drift to the background for awhile, until I come back to them. So I've been obsessing over hiking, while ballet has taken second place to it.

For months now, I have been looking SO forward to TODAY, my first ballet class in months, and the first one I can take consistently in a long time. I think partially it's my depression trying to talk me out of my love and enjoyment of ballet: "Hiking (which I'm mostly putting off the majority of until the weather gets a bit warmer, and thus is something I could use as a tool for procrastination) is so much more feasible for you than ballet," my mind is telling me. "You're never going to get far with it because you have so much trouble going consistently. It just isn't for you. You've shown in the past that you can't stick with it consistently, disciplined. That's okay- you should just find something that doesn't take up quite so much time and dedication (and something that's not 30 minutes away)."

My mind keeps running: "You were working so hard there for awhile, when you moved back here and started going to the gym. But then you stopped, all that hard work for nothing- all those hours at the barre and it's going to be like you're basically a beginner tonight. Class is only an hour, and only twice a week. How will you progress? Do you even want to? Was this just a pipe dream?"

All of this crap running through my head. I knew one of the reasons I'd decide to stay home is simple comfort. It's cold outside, and it's warm and cozy inside. I remedied this by going ahead and getting dressed for ballet. Discount Dance recently had a sale on a few things I've been wanting, one of which was a sports bra made for dance. My VS Sports bras are usually great, but they make my breasts look HUGE in class, and I'm already trying to counteract my tilted pelvis, so I've been wanting something that provides some compression AND support. Bonus points if I can wear it under leotard styles beyond the basic short sleeve or high-back tank. This one is made by Baltogs, and I LOVE it!

It gives lots of support when I jump (as long as I have a leotard over it as well, and it looks great under a couple of lace-back leotards I have. I'll try to get a photo of the rest of my outfit tonight later on.

I still don't know how to get in a decent warmup before class. The hall in my school is very narrow and crowded. My gym is too far away- I'd be cold again by the time I got to class.

Anyway, in conclusion, just by putting on my leotard, I feel a lot more into going to class than I did before. And I know I'll feel better afterwards- I pretty much always do. In anticipation of feeling some soreness tomorrow, I went ahead and booked a Pilates mat class for in the morning!

Eric Conrad

I don't know how I'm only just now coming across this, with all the YouTube ballet watching I do*, but wow! I'm actually in the middle of knitting (a cowl for Dexter), but I had to hop on here and make a quick post, for I am watching Eric Conrad's YouTube video, Ballet Conrad #52: Port de Bras Back. Casually watching the beginning, I felt kind of bad for the female in the video, LOL. He was allowing for NO mistakes- tough, but definitely something I can respect.

I fast-forwarded to around the 12:00 mark, where he has the same female doing a port de bras back. He reminds her to come from the upper ribs, not the lower back. I was sitting in bed and decided to give it a shot- and my whole upper back popped like it never has before! It felt great.

Obviously, popping one's back is not a goal of anything, but so far, I LIKE his take on things. I'm only a few minutes in, and I have heard that he totally believes (from my understanding) everything from turnout to arabesques to splits and so on has little to do with flexibility, but with strength. I like that a lot.

If you do a search for "Ballet Conrad", some other interesting titles come up: The Frog is the Antithesis of Turnout, Very Detailed Placement Demonstration: Tendu, Vaganova Academy's New Turn-Out Method, and 20th Century Stars Wouldn't Be Accepted by Today's Vaganova Academy.

I think I've got some interesting videos to watch and listen to! Hope you get something useful from them! Now back to my knitting/watching YouTube!

Edit: I've glanced at a few links with Conrad's name in it, and it seems his teachings may be a bit controversial. I like reading such things, but I make sure to not get totally caught up in the hype, and to take a modest approach to learning.

Slow vs. Fast Progress

I see these other adult ballet dancers online... some of them haven’t been taking ballet a full year, and already they are on pointe. I have mixed feelings about this- and yes, part of it is a little bit of envy! 

In my school, I’m one of the only, if not THE only, adult students (besides, of course, the 18-year olds who have been practicing for years). My school goes by grades. I’m currently in the 2nd grade (although I could have started the fall in 3rd, but I couldn’t commit twice a week right then). There’s grade 3, then an advanced grade 3, and then pointe begins sometime in grade 4. I don’t even know what the advanced grade 3 means, but I’m thinking it’s an extra year before 4. From my understanding then, I have 2 more (full) years before I can go on pointe. (And I’ve been at this ballet thing for a few years already, just not consecutively or regularly, so I can’t count it much.)

So that’s the frustrating part: I want to EARN those Capezio Contemporas I managed to get myself fitted for back when I first became obsessed with ballet! (LOL! Please don’t tell my teacher!) I want them NOW!

On the other hand, I’ve now taken classes at three other studios, and I love mine the best. I love the strict focus on doing the same barre every class, and somewhat the same center work. I love that once I can get the hang of the barre exercises again, I can let myself start moving freely into the movements, letting it flow instead of always trying (so far quite unsuccessfully) to just remember what the heck my feet and legs are supposed to be doing next- not to mention my arms that would inevitably get stuck in first or second so I could just try to get through this set of exercises. I love that I have so much time to learn technique, to practice a few moves over and over and over, almost meditatively, instead of the constant confusion of thinking about the future, what comes next, allowing myself to feel each smallest movement of my feet, toes, body.

Of course I’m aware of the fact that I have NO CLUE what kind of progression the ladies who have moved fast have made, or how much time and effort they have put into their own practice (although I do cringe when I see someone on pointe in a classroom, and their lower body looks just like mine when I try on my beloved Capezios for a few minutes a month- from my knee to my toe is barely even a straight line, and as tall as I may try to stand, my knees just won’t straighten... and their teacher is encouraging this? But again, what do I know?)

So I guess in summary, I need to stop comparing myself to others! I don’t know their situation, and right now, I’m actually very happy with mine (well, I will be as soon as the second week of January comes around!). I have a LOT of work to do. My barrework is starting to flow pretty naturally, which is very exciting (even though, as you can see below, my flexibility still has a long way to go!). But even at the gym, I’ve been putting off a lot of centerwork. How I dread sautes and echappes and anything else that requires a fast upward motion of my body with my overly heavy elephant feet leaving the ground! I’m not too worried- that will change when I’m in front of a decent mirrored wall, being told I need to get my feet off the ground- that will be plenty of encouragement to work on those! 

Ballet Movies, Shows, & Documentaries

I've recently been on a ballet documentary movie binge. I've seen A Ballerina's Tale, which... well, it's Misty Copeland- how could it not be great?

via Pinterest, from Seventeen magazine? June 29, 2015?

I didn't think there were many ballet movies, so I didn't research much further right after I saw that. Then I noticed Ballet 422 on Netflix. At first I thought it was a bit boring (since the focus was slightly more on choreography and the choreographer), but then, as I kept watching, I fell in love.

There weren't really any other ballet documentaries on Netflix (although somehow I missed Restless Creature with Wendy Whelan), which was very disappointing. Until I remembered I have the Amazon Prime membership (that you can now just pay like $10.99/month for instead of paying for a year up front), so I did a search for "ballet" on that app. WOW! There are a LOT of both ballet documentaries, and actual ballets available, just on Prime. (Note: I have no affiliation with Prime and make no money from it*.)

My next movie was Prima Ballerina (some subtitles), documenting my favorite, Svetlana Zakharova (Bolshoi Ballet), along with the amazing Ulyana Lopatkina (Mariinsky Theatre Ballet). This has thus far been one of my favorites.

Next up: Prima, featuring Larissa Ponomarenko (Boston Ballet). Larissa is a beautiful dancer, but honestly, I just wasn't feeling this movie. It's more about the non-classical direction she is taking now, trying new approaches to dance and self-expression. Believe me, I'm all for doing your own thing, but in a ballet movie or documentary, this isn't what I want to see. That, of course, is just my personal take.

Following Prima, I watched American Ballet Theatre: A History. Yes, yes, YES! I've noticed in some ballet schools, ballet history is a required class at some point. My ballet school doesn't offer this, but this documentary was a fantastic way to learn some ballet history, not just of ABT, but of American ballet history in general, along with the history of the roots of ballet itself. It includes not only modern-day videos of ballet, but also what looks like some of THE earliest videos ever made of ballet. It's great!

Then: TuTu Much. This one is about young ballerinas-to-be(?) as they dance during the Royal Winnipeg Ballet's Summer School Program. It documents their heartache at being so far away from their parents for so long, knowing that if they get chosen, they may go on to live and work with the RWB long-term... or if they don't get chosen, they've missed one of their best opportunities to become a professional ballerina. I really enjoyed this movie- very heartfelt, as I wanted each of the dancers to get in, though not all could.

Finally in my ballet documentary journey thus far, I watched the far-too-short episodes of Strictly Ballet. I really wish they had made these into full-length shows. For the 10 minutes or so per episode, though, a decent amount of information and dancing is crammed into it.

Next, I'll watch The Movement, which documents dancers who have overcome struggles to get where they are today. Ballet is not the only dance shown in this, and the episodes, unfortunately, are even shorter than Strictly Ballet.

Here are some of the other documentaries on Amazon Prime:
Getting to the Nutcracker
A Life for Ballet
Sometimes I Dream I'm Flying
Backstage (Behind A Paris Ballet)
Czech Swan (about retired dancers coming back to perform!)
Oh Watson! (Sam Watson, modern and jazz choreographer)
Place
Etoiles: Dancers of the Paris Opera Ballet

And some of the ballets available on Prime:
Jewels, Balanchine
Mariinsky Ballet with Ulyana Lopatkina & Igor Zalensky
Coppelia, Patrice Bart, Opera de Paris
Sleeping Beauty, Marius Petipa, The Royal Ballet
Swan Lake, Nureyev, National Opera of Paris
Cinderella, Nureyev, National Opera of Paris
La Bayadere, Petipa, Bolshoi Theatre Moscow
along with:
Giselle, Bellini, The Pharaoh's Daughter, Debussy, Raymonda.

So yeah- if you want to get inspired, Amazon has some great nearly-free ballet movies to binge on (or watch like a normal person)!!

*at the time of this posting. Yanno... just in case 😉

Vaganova students

presumably Vaganova students

Svetlana Zakharova

Russian ballet dancer Darian Volkova (place: Komsomolskaya Metro Station, Moscow ) // photography by Kristina Makeeva (@hobopeeba Instagram)

Towards a Better Tendu...

Yes, I'm back in class! I'm still struggling to get the medication I need that helps me stay awake (insurance doesn't want to approve it without another doctor's signature), but my doc did give me some samples, so I've made it to three evenings of two one-hour classes, and I'm loving it! Surprisingly wasn't super sore last week, and not much this week, but fatigue and tiredness are settling in this week, even with my meds.

I don't have much time for a longer post, but I just read something that's really giving me something to think about and to work on: a proper tendu. Specifically:

Also, when doing class, think of shaping your feet when you pointe and as you pointe, so that they are pointed in the same way as when you are in sur le cou-de-pied wrapped position, ankles fully articulated, heels forward, toes back etc.  -(source)

I've been doing it quite incorrectly! I do have some trouble getting my foot totally into sur le cou-de-pied- my ankles seem to be pretty flexible but not in THAT way! But now it makes sense some of the foot positions I've seen that look pretty, but awkward! Like the tendus but where the heel is pointed up so that the ankle is angled.

Photos for inspiration:

Vaganova student- you can also see it here, where the foot is angled a bit differently

This one doesn't show that, but still looks amazing!

My Ballet Life Update: Back to Class Soon!

So I've taken quite a break from ballet, which has been very discouraging for me. I've had a lot going on- most notably the continuing lack of energy I mentioned before. My doctor has me trying a new medication to help me stay awake; I'm still figuring out the best way to take the dosage I was given over the day (as a full dose once a day was too much for me, and anything else wears off quickly- but some combo of smaller doses throughout the day seems to be going well).

Unfortunately, I eventually gave up my exercising/ballet movements, simply because there wasn't enough time for me to do that with all the sleeping combined with a couple of other things I've been doing a bit obsessively in the little time I'm awake (reading YA dystopian fiction and sewing!). I believe I've also mentioned before that I have a tendency to be really motivated about an activity, only to lose motivation and interest for awhile (though my interest usually picks back up at some point- almost like I tend to cycle through my interests!). I decided to go ahead and do some other things, and maybe by the time the fall season was about to start, I'd be ready again.

I was right! I'm getting more and more into my ballet-obsession mode. I've been finding myself very discouraged about this... well, not that I'm getting into it again, but that I was doing so well and making a lot of progress (muscle tone and strength, balance, improving on my technique, flexibility), only to stop for so long, losing a lot of what I'd accomplished. (Did I mention how awesome my legs were looking, too?) But, I'm not going to let that bring me down anymore. I just came across a great positive affirmation for me at this small setback in my life:

DEAR SELF, 

THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME. 

LOVE, ME

Yes, I've lost the bit of flexibility that I'd gained from months of ballet and stretching. BUT that injury I incurred on myself awhile back has finally just about healed! (This was the first injury I've had in life that has shown me that I'm now at that age where my body simply doesn't heal as fast as it once did. Lesson learned: I'll be proceeding slower and with more caution now!) I just checked on it a week or so ago and still felt a bit of pain. Today's the first time I've been able to do even a minor stretch without it hurting, and that's awesome! I should be able to start a mild stretching routine on that leg; I'll give it a couple more weeks though to make sure.

Yes, I've lost much of the muscle tone I gained, especially in my legs. However, I still naturally have not-too-much fat on my body, and I DO still have some of the muscle tone and strength, so it shouldn't take quite as long to start seeing results again. That was the first time I've ever had my body so toned, and I love that I was actually able to do it, to get myself active enough to see results (when I've always had a tendency to some laziness and an aversion to most things considered "exercise"). I am going to get to this point again, yes, and I will also do it a bit differently this time. I really mostly focused on my lower body before. I've come to really understand how vital the core is to ballet, so the exercises I do at home will be more holistic this time around. 

So the big news in my life right now: I start ballet again next month- less than four weeks to go! I emailed my teacher to let her know I do want to start again this coming season and asked her what grade I should go to (i.e., did I graduate or not?). She told me I did indeed graduate and could come to the next grade's classes, a step up (where, hopefully, my little friends will be, too!). This time, however, I got approval to take both this new, more advanced grade AND the grade I was in. There are steps & movements I didn't get to learn from her the first time, and I found it difficult to pick up just by watching the others. I want to retake the grade so 1) I can learn from her some of what I didn't before, 2) I can keep working on my technique at a slower pace, 3) I'll build more muscle and flexibility with an extra class, and most importantly: 4) MORE BALLET. I'm so excited.

My classes start August 25. I plan to do much more blogging than these past few months once I'm back into it.

Some inspiration:

Still interested in ballet, still around!

So, I've had crazy stuff going on lately, and I've totally taken up sewing- which I am in love with, along with a bunch of other arts and crafts. Once I stopped going to ballet class, I kept up with working out (grande plies in both fifths work AMAZING for the upper legs!) for quite awhile- my legs are much more muscular than they've ever been.

Then depression started kicking in. Up until a few days ago, when I drastically lowered one of my medications, I was sleeping ALL the time. Go to work: sleep throughout the day. Go home: immediately crash and wake up the next morning to go back to work. The few days a week I was actually awake, I was working on my sewing- and still browsing Pinterest ballet pictures, wishing I had the energy to work on ballet some more.

I'm back on an upswing, it seems. Over the weekend, I added a couple of sets of plies and releves to my day. I've done a little bit more each day. Yesterday, I had something of a setback, that also has (hopefully) turned into something somewhat positive... Remember the injury I received from (idiotically) forcing my splits months ago? It was feeling a lot better, though not all the way. Last night I decided to try to stretch it some, and see how it went. I think I pushed just a bit too hard (and it wasn't all that much to begin with), so that it hurts this morning- not a good I've-stretched feeling but an "ow, this still isn't healed" feeling. It's been months! The fact that I'm getting older is starting to dawn on me more and more.

So what's positive about that? Well, I've been seeing some beautiful photos of ballerinas on pointe who DON'T have perfect splits or perfect turnout or this or that. And they're still beautiful. I wish I hadn't injured myself, but I did, and I have absolutely no choice but to let my body take as long as it needs to heal. So instead of being down on myself, I'm just going to go with the flow. The few movements I can't make with the injured leg aren't THAT big of a deal. (And frankly, it's not like I was going to get splits before the fall season!)

I can still work on splits with my other leg. And what's more, splits and that sort of stretching are pretty much the only thing I can't work on with that leg right now. On the positive side: I've been working on turnout quite a bit- sometimes even when I do absolutely nothing else. And my turnout seems to really be improving. I can FEEL the strength there deep inside my hips, and I can TELL that I'm rotating from there and not my knee. I'm getting more comfortable balancing in a larger turnout. And my injury isn't stopping me from working on that- which is probably much more important than splits anyway. (It's in a very close area, but the injury seems to be on the back side of that area, while working on my front side/rotator muscles doesn't touch it at all from what I can feel.)

So, I just wanted to check in, make a quick update. I've got lots to do the next few months. I'm still not sure what class I will get into next season. Either way is fine- I wouldn't mind being back in the same class so I can totally get down all of the things I was having trouble with because I never SAW it being taught. If I graduate and go into the next step up, that's great too- closer to pointe and I'll work extra hard to catch up on a few things, maybe take a couple of private lessons.

(Speaking of pointe- I've also totally still been working on my ankle, toe, and foot strength, and I'm seeing SUCH a difference, especially when I releve. The curve of my foot goes OVER my toes!)

Inspiration: Those arches, tho...

For those times I'm down on my non-ballerina body...

-via Pointe Til You Drop blog

Ballet, exercise, discipline, more inspirational photos...

I ended up not staying the whole ballet yesterday. Honestly, I was quite tired and could not keep my eyes open, so when my daughter asked me if I wanted to go, as she and her girlfriends wanted to leave, I said yes. We left during intermission, and I got to meet the owners of the ballet studio since my daughter knows them well. It was a contemporary piece, and I was hoping more for classical.

Anyway, I'm recognizing I'm once again looking at ballet as a chore. I need to find the FUN in it again. Even on my "down" swings, I try to keep up with some exercises- like if I go to the kitchen, I will do ten plies while I'm in there. Since yesterday, though, I've amped it up a notch and have been working on my grand plies in fifth, both sides. Those are my most difficult, both because they take balance and they work my legs the hardest. I'm noticing some extra muscle coming, so that's inspired me to do those, at least. I usually hold onto something when I do them, but focus on engaging my core as though I'm doing them without holding on. My legs really ache, so it's great!

Here are some new photos I've come across today. I wanted to go ahead and post them while I have the names handy:

These three are Olga Esina and Eno Peçi, The Second Detail, Vienna State Ballet.

From: Ballet 422 (Magnolia Pictures)

Rachelle Di Stasio and Aran Bell, American Ballet Theatre Studio

Inspiration

I know I can use a bit of inspiration right now, so here we go!

Olga Smirnova rehearsing Tatiana in John Cranko’s ‘Onegin’. Check out that port de bras!!

Kate Hosier, National Ballet of Canada

Maria Kochetkovah

Adji Cissoko

Note: I always try to include information about the dancer when it's listed. If I don't, then chances are, I came across it that way, or less likely, I was in a hurry and forgot to grab it.