Posture lingerie

I just had to post this. I looked up "posture lingerie", and sure enough, it's a thing! I REALLY love the full bodysuits (both the ones with and without legs), but those are over $100. :( However, for basically the price of a bra, they have a camisole that works all the way from your shoulders to lower back. (I don't get any money or benefits from posting this- they've never heard of me, but just wanted to share.) I wonder how well it works??

Here's a good, short link on forcing turnout.

My notes on Anteverted Hips

Here is a picture showing anteverted hips:

Swayback usually results in the gluteal muscles being underused (atrophy). Hip extension in the prone position activates the hamstring muscles before the gluteal muscles. Should actively contract the gluteus at heel impact when walking. Predisposed to hamstring muscle strain. (Link, the hamstring info may refer to upper swayback instead of lower? I may have lordotic? Wiki says lordosis is common among dancers?) Update 11/16: Yes, I have "lumbar hyperlordosis": Lordosis is too much of a curve. My lordosis is in the lumbar/lower back region. Commonly known as "swayback". (There's another type of lordosis, seen in the first photo below, where the upper back can curve outwards too much. One can have lordosis of both the lower and upper back. Mine is only at the lower.)

Having hyperlordosis at one point in training does not mean that this will always be a problem, and care must be taken not to overcorrect and excessively reduce the lumbar curve. Strengthening the abs can help:

"Posteriorly, the spine forms a bony connection between the rib cage and pelvis. However, in the front, this connection is effected purely by the abdominal musculature. Because of this structure, the strength, resting length, and activation of the abdominal musculature are very critical in determining the distance between the rib cage and pelvis. That distance, in turn, affects the curvature of the lower spine and hence ideal alignment [/posture]."

In other words, when you strengthen your abs, the abs will draw up/tighten the torso, pulling the formerly outwards/backwards-tilted rear end in towards the abs and front of the body. The abs will draw up, pulling the front of the pelvis up with it.

"In addition [to the abs], lumbar lordosis may also involve low back and hip flexor (especially the iliopsoas) tightness as seen in 3.24A. If so, stretching the hip flexors and low back will also be necessary to improve the condition, and little improvement will be seen with just strengthening the [abs]." (Link)

 

Here is the link to the book the quotes and photos (excepting the very top one) above were taken from. I found all of this on a Google book search (something I'd forgotten a person can do!).

Reading all of this is very encouraging! I was getting rather disheartened today, thinking about how inadequate my bone structure seems to be. From all I read, it seemed like my back shape pretty much made it impossible for me to ever be good at ballet, so I should just go ahead and give up now. (And hey, a very small part of me was relieved: no more exercise! I can consider this another of my activities I've learned just enough about to convince me that I don't really want to continue doing it! All my life, that routine has repeated itself over and over and over again, and I've really not wanted it to happen again. I can feel myself already getting lazy... I can put off ballet now, I won't be any good.) NOPE! This is my New Self, and she is going to get off the damn computer, stop trying to find excuses, stop trying to convince herself she should just read about the hows all night, go put on my leotard, tights, and shoes, and get to practicing! (I'll continue as I have been, with less turnout than I was trying to go for, and being more aware of all of the things I have read. I'm not correcting much yet until I know more about to do it right. I don't want to jump right into different types of wrongness in my posture.)

Anteverted Hips

Since last night, I have learned that I basically have one of the, if not the, worst possible bone structures (excepting more extreme cases) possible for good turnout, the good turnout that pretty much ALL of ballet and even other forms of dance like lyrical and contemporary are based upon. I have anteverted hips. In fact, I am like the poster child for "person with anteverted hips".

I always thought it was cool that I could sit in a W shape with my knees and legs. While everyone else preferred "Indian-style" cross-legged, my body much more comfortably fell into the W shape, with my knees parallel to one another and my lower legs and feet turned outward, the heels of my feet touching my rear. I was always far less flexible than it seemed like those around me were. (To this day, my mom can still do a nearly perfect split, something I have never been able to do.) The W shape was the one flexibility thing I had down.

Turns out, I should have been working on that while my bones were still growing. I now have a swayback, caused from my anteverted hips. (The former is actually fixable. The bone structure of my hips, not so much.) Not only do have the first tell-tale sign, when my knees are perfectly straight, my feet point outwards. I will likely never achieve perfect turnout, nor even anything close (not safely, anyway). My posture's all out of whack as well, because of this.

I'll be doing a lot more research, both on anteverted hips and tibial torsion (likely because of the hips, my shin bones twist inwards as well). I know I can always work with what I have, and even go far in it, but it's just very disheartening to know that my technique is always essentially going to be substandard. 

Tune Up Your Turnout

Wow! I think I mentioned the other day that I had purchased a used copy of Deborah Vogel's Tune Up Your Turnout. It came in the mail today... and wow!

In the first chapter alone, I found out something very important- very, very important, because it affects everything I do (in learning ballet/dance, among other things): I have a swayback! And the book lists exactly why this is bad in ballet. 

I also read how to test how much turnout I have. I took photos as best as I could using this method, and got into photoshop to put the photos together and layer a protractor over it. Ehhhh... it's not very good, especially on my left side. There is a big difference between the two.

NOTE: Vogel says that doing the frog position to help turnout is VERY BAD, especially on your stomach. And even on your back, no one should EVER put weight on your legs to push them out more. And if that position causes pain- you shouldn't do it at all. Not only is it bad for you- it does not do anything for turnout (and can even hurt it). To show, she had a photo of a lady who could do a perfect frog on her stomach, but her turnout was only average.

I was really wanting to do some ballet tonight, but reading this book is way more important: bad habits have already begun, and I need to know how to correct it (and this book is definitely showing me how!) This was a top recommendation for turnout, and it was only a few dollars. I am definitely going to have to purchase The Pointe Book, since it comes extremely recommended, as well (and even the lowest used copies are still nearly full price, so it must be good!)

In other news, I have gained 10 pounds in about three weeks. I used to have very little appetite, and I've never eaten so great. In my late teens and early 20s, I weighed 110-115. Up from then until now, I've always hovered between 115-119. Today, I weighed 126- the most I've ever weighed besides when I was pregnant (and then I only got to 135- a healthy weight for me when I was pregnant). I know I am filling out some (thanks, in part, to my recent bad Snickers peanut butter bars habit), but to me, I don't look ten pounds heavier. I've been at this going on a month, around 5 days a week, 2-3 hours mostly, so I am really hoping I'm gaining MUSCLE! (I've never been muscular, at all, so this is exciting.) I can even FEEL the strength gaining in my legs.

Edit: Also, I have learned a few other things, just within a few pages. My posture is awful. My pelvis tilts back towards the rear. I've been pretty much unconsciously ignoring my core- I keep listening to and hearing about focusing on my core... and I've seemed to tune this out. Not even that it wasn't important, more of a "yeah, yeah, I know I should but let's get to the more fun parts of technique", very blasé from hearing it and reading it so much that I barely notice it's said. And it IS perhaps the most fundamental aspect (and my core is lacking in the muscularity department).

Along with that, I checked out the Vaganova book from the library. It came in (the libraries all around here share so I can order from any of them) yesterday. And wow, again! I had no idea of the... foundation... upon which ballet is laid, that there are such specific reasons behind movement, the technicality of it. It's fascinating, and I would now like to say I am beginning to actually study ballet, something I think should be important to learning, especially especially especially if you are like me and this is something you do in your own home, without feedback, without someone there to tell you how, why, what. And books like that and the turnout book are proving to be vital to my learning this. Reading about bad habits learned by doing at home is another one of those things I'm a bit blase about, and these books are opening my eyes to how very little I know (and how easy it is to train oneself to make mistakes).

I'll end with a note and a video. I'm turning 35 in, wow, less than two months. Tonight I spent about ten minutes fruitlessly plucking the grays from my formerly-colored hair. I've been thinking a lot lately about getting older, especially as a woman. I've dyed my hair red since I was 15; I'm naturally brown. The women in my family gray early (my great-grandmother was fully gray at 20). I decided that I am not going to dye my hair anymore. I cannot remember what color my hair really is, how it looks natural and surrounding my face. I have a few photos of me as a very young teen, but besides that, and a brief reprieve here and there, I really have no clue what I look like with natural hair.

It's graying faster and faster, and once it's gray I will never be able to see my brown hair again. (That's kinda depressing to me!) I'm worried about the glinting the grays already make in the sun, the ones where my roots are growing out. I look younger than I am, and I am very worried that gray hair is going to age me... a lot. (I still get carded for cigarettes and alcohol, and frequently shock people when I tell them my age.) I'll have plenty of time to look old, but... this is my only chance to ever see my natural hair again. And, with all I have been through up until this point in my life, I don't think I'd want to relive it. I don't mean that in a negative way, just that I'm content with the way I am now and I'm especially happy with the wisdom that comes from my age. And so I am not going to color my hair again, not until I am fully gray and possibly decide to try it then. I'm going to embrace the grays as they come, a symbol of experience. I'm not in the grave yet; I hope to have quite a few years or decades ahead. And it's only going to get better from here. I'll leave you with this inspiration:

DIY Ballet Barre, Beginning progress photos (demi-pointe, turnout, doming)

Just wanted to post a few photos I've been meaning to. First of all, my barre setup (the mirror is low enough that I can see my feet while at the barre, of course, and it is tall enough that I can see my arms raised to my wrists, but I can't see my hands unless I move away from the barre. I'm 5'3" and this mirror is 48"x30" and sits 17" above the floor. The barre is about 12" from the wall.):

Was really simple to do, and cost under $20 (for the barre). (Be sure to get anchor screws if you're not screwing into studs! Preferably the heavy duty ones.) The brackets were around $4 each and the dowel rod was cut to the right size for my space (3"). It was $8- I went for the more expensive one because it was smoother. There's a screw underneath the dowel so it doesn't move too much. I happened to have a mirror the perfect size for my space but used one of the cheap door mirrors before I got that one up. (You could take two of those mirrors- I think it'd fit- and take the frame off, then hang the mirrors up side by side. In the middle, when aligning the clear plastic mirror things, line up the left one so it's flush with the right one right above it so you can get the mirrors as close together as possible, with a minimal gap.)

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instead of:

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(so you have one plastic hanger apart instead of two.)

And I started taking progress photos last week. These were taken on the 20th. I will put the ones up that I took today- I can already see progress! Here's my demi-pointe on October 20th:

Here's my turnout on October 20th:

And here's my "doming" (yes, I know my toes are curled here. They were much less curled in today's pictures- a work in progress):

Progress

I'm really happy with the progress I've been making. It's not a TON, but I can see definite improvements in both technique and in strength since I've started. (I have just completed my third full week [give or take a day or two] of 5 days a week, 1-3 hours a day, usually 2-3 hours.) I think I've mentioned this before: my primary focus right now is on building strength, but I'm learning where I need to focus my strength-building through beginner ballet videos I've found.

Today was probably the most I've worked, around 3.5-4 hours total, and I still plan to use the Theraband to stretch my feet, and one of those larger (but not huge) super bouncy balls to massage some of the tightness from my feet.

Finis Jhung Technique
My first rental from Dance Flix came in: "The Finis Jhung Ballet Technique, Level One: Barrework for Beginners". It's exactly what I was hoping for! Today, I went through Tamra Chace's "Year One, Lesson Three"- both the barrework and (for the first time) the Center work. I'm really enjoying her videos- they are helping me learn new movements with some focus on technique, and giving me an introduction to choreography. The Finis Jhung DVD I'm working with is going into a lot more detail on technique, with some light choreography right now. It's an excellent supplement to Tamra's videos.

On Friday, the day after I got the video in the mail, I went through eight of his lessons. Here is what the first eight cover; there are 17 exercises in all (and yes, you can use the menu to skip around, which is perfect):

1. Posture
2. Turning out, demi plié in first position
3. Isometric grand pliés, relevé
4.  Battement tendu en croix, first position
5. Port de bras
6. Battement tendu à la seconde, grand plié
7. Battement tendu devant & derriére
8. Working the foot, relevé in plié, 1st position

I stopped with the last one because I was having trouble pushing my foot up with the precision being used, and figure that working up through that lesson will be my focus for this week, along with Tamra's Lesson 3 Barre and Center.

Today, though, I did the two Lesson 3s (working a little extra on the faster rond de jambes) and I went up to number 4 on the DVD. I was really focusing on doing the grand pliés properly, since that's such an essential thing. I also worked on my demi pliés in the five positions, because I'm having trouble getting my weight balanced evenly on both feet in three through five.

Turnout
The other really important thing I worked on (again) was my turnout. I've heard two helpful ways to get into the right turnout for my body. One was on a YouTube video I don't recall, and the other was Jhung's way. From the YouTube video, stand with the feet parallel/in 6th. Then sort of quickly pop your feet to the side. Don't push it, just let them go as far as they will in that quick motion. That really makes a lot of sense: do it quickly so you don't have time to think about it, and your body won't really let you go past it's limits unless it's forced.

The Jhung way is one I've started using more of since I first viewed it. Again, stand in sixth, feet parallel. Lift one leg up into the air in front of you (not too far) and turn out the whole leg, then put it in that position on the floor. Do the same with the other leg. This way seems to force you to only go as far as your hips allow, as long as you aren't trying to force it.

When we were doing the isometric pliés, I discovered something new. I won't go into the isometric ("opposing forces") technique of it (rent/buy the DVD!) but he has the viewer doing pliés in a VERY wide second, maybe a foot less on each side than the length of the arms when they are spread out to the sides. The feet start turned out before going into this position.

I was in that position when I pushed my hips forward just a little bit. I felt a stretch deep in my hips, so I pushed to one side a little bit, then to the other. All of this had me feeling those deep turnout muscles getting stretched! I did it really slowly, really feeling my body, making sure I wasn't pushing it too hard to avoid overstretching. But it really seemed to make a difference! I paused the DVD for a bit and just did that slow stretching, really feeling the muscles. After a few nice minutes of this, I decided to try his version of turning out... and it was SO much of a better turnout than only a few minutes previous! I'm definitely going to work on that more!

Ballet Hands

I've been having trouble figuring out what to do with my hands. Here's an article I'm saving to read later, and a photo.

Inspiration

"Tune Up Your Turn-Out" & Other Books

I just purchased Tune Up Your Turnout:



(Referral link). I ordered mine used- it was only a little over $6 including shipping! I really want the Perfect Pointe book, but I want to wait until I can find a cheaper copy of it. I've spent too much on books in the past three months!

(I've finally rediscovered the library. I have been obsessed with Young Adult dystopian society novels, preferably with a prominent female in it: the Hunger Games [movies sucked], the Divergent series [still haven't seen the movie, but the books were fantastic],  Life As We Knew It trilogy by Susan Beth Pfeffer, Hungry by H.A. Swain, and I just finished up Ally Condie's Matched trilogy- which was surprisingly deep in the last book. All of which I purchased and read in the past three months. I've also purchased Delirium by Lauren Oliver, and have that series along with the Selection on my reading list. But I just checked out from the library The Testing series... and at the moment I have just started a break in all of that: I'm reading Misty Copeland's Life in Motion: An Unlikely Ballerina!)

Ballet shoes

I've been wearing my soft leather full-soled Bloch shoes. For the most part the are comfy... but on one side (I've taken to wearing a certain one on left and the other on right), my right side, the edge of the heel ends before my heel in a way that when I have my weight on it, it's the slightest bit uncomfortable. After a couple of weeks of this, I am finding my right heel hurting even without the shoes on. I ordered another pair of shoes- really pretty lace and satin split-soles. (I wanted a pair of black ones, and these are so pretty, though my last try with no-name slippers didn't go well.) I hope those feel better. Otherwise, I am going to have to purchase yet another pair of ballet shoes- I will probably pay extra and purchase them in-person so I can try them on. Tonight, though, I will try switching feet. I'm just concerned BOTH of my heels will hurt!

Legs are heavy!

Yesterday evening went better than the previous evening. I made it all the way through "Year One Lesson Three (Barre)". I like the faster rond de jambes. I'm having a lot of trouble with two of the parts, though, and those will be my focus of the week. The first one are frappes. Holding the upper thigh in the air gets tough, especially to the side and rear. It makes sense, of course. When have I EVER had to make my legs move into that position? (Never.) So I spent the rest of my time after the class was over working on my side and rear frappes, including getting as close to a 90 degree angle as possible (I don't know what the position is called... but I've seen it used and it's a good exercise for building those muscles anyway.)

The second is a demi plie into tendu and up into releve. I've been working a lot on my calves, even at work, so I don't know why this is so hard for me- maybe it's the demi plie first then up into releve in fifth. By the last one my calves burn and I can barely get a good releve (aside from this, though, I've noticed my releves are definitely improving! It is almost a straight line down my leg through to my toes, whereas when I first started, there was a definite angle at my ankles!) I've been doing a ton of releves, but now I'm going to make my focus doing the demi plies to tendu right up into releve in fifth.

The latter is also troublesome for me because at the end of doing it on one leg, we are supposed to be in fifth and turn our bodies around so we can work on the other leg. I was really confused when I first saw this- but now I can execute the turn, I just have trouble making sure I'm in fifth on the other side when I turn. So I am going to work on that as well.

I've been doing one class a week. I think I will work on this one for longer since it really seems to be a lot harder for me than the first two classes. Also, my Finis Jhung DVD should be in soon. I hope it doesn't start off super hard. If not, I will follow up Chace's lesson with one from that DVD each night.

Unmotivated & Discouraged Last Night

I got a little discouraged with myself yesterday. I should have just gone through "Year One, Lesson Three (Barre)" but not only does it get harder than I am able to do right now (though I know that means it's what I NEED to work on- something a little harder than what I can currently do), there is a part in the beginning when I can't see her feet, so I can't follow along so well (I'm still learning the names of movements). And I was kinda jumpy, trying to figure out what I wanted to do, and pretty much never deciding on anything.

I did check out my second DVD purchase last night... I thought it was the actual 101 and 201 courses, but I was incorrect. It's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000ECX6KU/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000ECX6KU&linkCode=as2&tag=agenamer-20&linkId=W2A4NDTDOAONRWG6">Ballet 101 & 201, Combinations</a><img src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=agenamer-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000ECX6KU" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /> (disclaimer: referral link). So it's the COMBINATIONS of moves learned in different DVDs, so that's over my head (and certainly feet) for me right now. I wish I'd looked at what I was purchasing more closely.

I practiced some releves and plies and a few hip rotations, but that was about it last night. I started looking up different videos and got distracted by that, and so in the end I didn't accomplish much, and I'm not very happy with myself about that. But I DID go on Dance Flix to sign up and I ordered what seems to be Finis Jhung's easiest ballet DVD class. I can keep it as long as I want and then exchange it.

One other thing: my daughter's half-brother's (her dad's son) mother grew up with a ballet family: her mother and father own a ballet studio locally, the only one that has classes specifically for adults. My daughter talked to her and she said I can take the adult classes for $10 each or $35 a month- nearly half of what I was expecting to pay! I'm a little worried she will be teaching the class- I don't really talk to her much, though we are on friendly terms, and having her instruct me would make me really self-conscious. I know she still has part in running the studio; I just don't know if she teaches. BUT that was the school I had planned on going anyway when I start, and now I can do it for about half off!

I also think I've been fighting a little bit of depression lately.

Reminder to Self: Sickling (Don't!!)

Oh! I'm glad TRB posted this photo!

I have been working on proper foot positioning while turning out (I'm showing a tendency to force turn-out, which I can see by the way my feet will turn inwards towards the arch- I forget the technical term), but I've forgotten to work on not sickling when my feet are in the air. I will work on this one tonight! *counting down the minutes until I can go home... haven't decided whether to take my dog for a walk as a warm-up or just get right to it!*

I haven't done much while at work... I mean, exercise-wise! A lot of times I will get in stretching/strength exercises whenever I can. I have done some releves while in the bathroom (20-25), and I've done some ankle rotations. I have on my (new!) sneakers, so I don't want to use the Therabands with them on. When I wear flats, I have no problem taking my feet out and working with the bands... even though I share an office with three others! (I don't think they can see me from here, haha)

Quick post!

Thinking about ballet when I should be working! :D It was really inspirational to read the Remedial Ballerina's post about her third class and how she couldn't get up from a grande plie in second- I know the feeling! This is one of the reasons I want to go ahead and build up strength BEFORE I take classes. I'm learning EXACTLY what I need to work on as far as strength training, and I won't be spending class time behind because I can't keep up as far as strength goes.

Also, I spent a lot of time yesterday working on positions and moves with my leg behind my back and raised. I believe I was doing (or attempting) rear frappes and moving (low, shaky and wavering) attitudes from the front to the rear, but focusing on the rear. I was going with what seemed to work my rear the most, and to work the muscles required to lift my legs into those positions- I'm having a lot of trouble with them. Within an hour or two after I quit, my lower back was really hurting- it didn't seem to be a good ache, either. My mom brought over some sort of emu oil or something? and rubbed it in my back. My pain was pretty much gone in about twenty minute- it really helped. I will post what it was when I find out.

I need to take it a little easier on the exercises that compress my lower back- and, I think more importantly, to make sure I stretch it the opposite way, elongating it, when I do those exercises.

Disclaimer

I just wanted to say that I am very aware that just because I found a series of videos on ballet techniques on the internet and am practicing along with the videos does not mean I have found the end-all be-all to ballet. Like the rond de jambes in the first two videos- they were done slowly, in parts, and I don't even know if that's what would technically be a rond de jambe or if it has to all flow like the faster video I linked to. I like Tamra Chace's lessons, and it is teaching me something new and different that I really want to learn. I know it's nothing like what a real, live teacher can do- that to be really good I need live feedback and that I could even be learning some things incorrectly that I will need to relearn- and yes, that I am at a higher risk NOT going to an actual ballet class. Also, I don't mean for this blog to suggest that anyone can learn ballet at home. I'm simply enjoying learning new movements with my body, and the motivation it has given me to exercise and stretch and move!

I recently purchased two- well, three- DVDs on beginner's ballet and will be learning from those as well (and hopefully will have some reviews up soon). Also, I came across this fantastic website where I can RENT videos that would cost a lot of money to purchase (namely the Finis Jhung ballet series): Dance Flix. Right now, I can't afford one class a week, much less three, yet I am able to learn some moves anyway and do it as much as I'd like for free, in my own home, without worrying about anyone watching me or judging me. (I have social anxiety!)

So that's my disclaimer, and I hope that by the next ballet season, I am still excited about ballet and have learned some new things that I can bring into class with me, and that I will be much stronger and able to progress much more quickly (even if I have to relearn a couple of things I taught myself incorrectly)!

Weak! :D

I'm making my way right on through "Year One, Lesson Two". I'm excited... I'm totally getting the hang of everything! I can do this! Confident in myself, I proceed to "Year One, Lesson Three Barre". (This is the first lesson that has a Barre video and a Center video). It's going a little faster and I'm keeping up, even when she only speaks some of the moves instead of showing it all. I have to skip the double tendus- the video cuts off her feet and I can't see what I am supposed to be doing. My rond de jambes are getting more consistent: we've (me and my online instructor! Ha!) been doing them very slowly: front-two-three-four, side-two-three-four. I decided to check out another video the other day to see if I could get any more tips and I saw what a real rond de jambe looks like- wow! Not like what I've been doing. But today, they improved some!

So then we get to tendu with a plie and up to demi, going pretty speedy. I'm going the right speed... but my calves are getting tired already. They can't keep up! My calves have always been one of my strongest spots, thanks to years of speed skating when I was younger. But I see very quickly just how little strength I have- and that's in my strongest muscles! (I do give myself credit for figuring out the turning part- I practiced that one a few times without the video- I need to work on my technique, but I have the gist!)

The next exercises are even harder! My confidence is quickly hit. Actually, it was hit when my calves started going out so soon. Frappes! My legs are SO heavy! All the photos I've been looking at make it seem as though legs are weightless... that's so far from the truth! Hahahah! So yeah, time to do some strength stuff- including some frappes!

(Note: I took off the past two days- I've been so sleepy, and just could not get my butt up to work! But I woke up this morning determined to not only put in at least a couple of hours, but to do so AFTER installing my mirror. Yes, I now have a nearly perfect-length mirror on the wall that my barre is on- it fits right in between my barre with like an inch to spare on either side! I can see my feet very well in it, and my arms up to my wrists. It's perfect! Now all I need is a hard platform and I'll be set- working on carpet seems to be more difficult than when I try in my kitchen.)

My Inspiration

Here are some of the photos I saved prior to my decision to start learning ballet. These are the photos that helped lead to that decision. (None of the images are owned by me. Most were found on Pinterest or Tumblr.)

Teaching Myself: How, and Where I'm Currently At

I brought my pointe shoes home and fell in love. My mom came over so I could show them off to her. I jump up onto pointe (no clue about rolling up to pointe yet) and- to both of our surprise, I tiptoe my way around my living room, even managing to turn a time or two. I stepped back down and looked at my mom- her eyes were huge! "HOW are you DOING that?" The shoes! They're magic!

As I mentioned in my first post, I'd started researching ballet more and more. I was becoming intrigued more and more. I found an adult class in my area. It's $60 a month for the one class (very reduced prices for more than an hour a week), which is pretty good, I reckon, certainly something I'm willing to pay... just not right now.

Earlier this year I was hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety, with a plan to commit suicide. The depression and anxiety are something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember, and everything just seemed to culminate into one big bomb this year that finally went off. Five months ago I didn't expect to be alive right now. I was wary of doing 28+ days of inpatient, but promised my mom- who I'd told I didn't think I was going to be alive much longer- that I would try EVERYTHING I possibly could before I did anything. I did everything I was supposed to do in the hospital, went to all my groups AND started taking the medications I was prescribed as I was supposed to. My doctor was absolutely amazing and managed to find the perfect combination of meds for me (something that can be really hit-or-miss, so I feel blessed). Between the time off to take care of my mental health, the establishment of some sort of routine in my life, and the medication, I have become a completely different person. I still have anxiety, but it's not as bad now. My depression, however, is pretty much GONE. And that's part of where this new interest in ballet is coming from: I am getting to know myself as a different, healthier, happier person- and I want this to extend to my body and mind as well.

The point of that was that I am still playing financial catch-up from the work I missed and the bills I got behind on. I am also working fewer hours than I was before, and it's hard for me to commit to a $60 month bill right now. Besides that, it seems like ballet has seasons like schools do, and it's the middle of the season, so I would feel odd starting now anyway.

But I found a number of resources for beginner's ballet and have decided to teach myself... up to a point. I know that it is very easy to learn things incorrectly (that I'd have to retrain myself out of), so I am taking precautions against that. A background in yoga has helped me be body-conscious and more able to look at someone doing something and compare myself in the mirror to see if I am doing the same thing. I watch different instructors go over things to see if any do things differently and also because some will point out helpful tips that others don't bring up.

I have a ton of videos saved, but right now I am using the awesome classes Tamra Chace has on YouTube, starting with "Year One, Lesson One":

It's very basic- I'm doing one class each week and am only up to the second week right now. So far, we have done very little port de bras and most of it has been without using our legs at the same time. I'm definitely lagging in the port de bras department right now (and am still looking for a decent video that shows what the heck my fingers are supposed to do when I'm moving my arms!) but I am definitely learning how to tendu and battement tendu and do slow ronde de jambe.

So right now I am definitely more concerned with technique than anything else, besides strength. I'd rather start a real ballet class with more strength so I can progress more quickly, and what I am doing at home is helping me learn where exactly I should focus building strength- and it's also giving me the motivation to go through with it. I have never been someone who enjoys working out nor have I ever made the commitment to stick with something like this, but I'm working on changing that.

The night I started Tamra Chace's lessons, I realized how much strength I was going to need to build up- holding a leg up in the air is so much harder than it looks! So I've started doing thigh, calf, foot-and-toe exercises along with lots of follow-along stretching! Ballerina Lisa Maree has a TON of fantastic videos on stretching and getting in shape. This was the first one I started with:

I simply could NOT figure out how she was doing that exercise known as "doming"- I couldn't make my foot do anything remotely close to that. One evening, I sat down and started trying to make my foot dome by using my hand next to it so my foot could follow along with my hand (something recommended in a video by someone else). That wasn't working too well, so I watched my foot and just tried to move different muscles. I finally noticed the activity in my arch when I point my foot, and was actually able to isolate that muscle! It took a little more time with the left foot, but I soon got that one isolated as well! That was days ago, and I am still so psyched about it! In just those few days, I've gotten my "dome" a lot more curved- it's SO exciting! (And I did it myself!)

I've also struggled with turn-out... something I've learned that a LOT of people struggle with in ballet! I watched all of the videos I could find, lying on my side putting one bent leg on a pillow and bringing the other leg up, doing the butterfly, sitting with my feet touching and legs in a diamond while pressing at the tops of my legs- nothing was really helping me. Then I came across a simple stretching video (that I can't find at the moment). A young woman was showing how she stretches her hips by placing one foot on a chair and then rolling her body around so the standing leg's hip rotates around in it's socket. Why not, I gave it a shot. I put a leg up on a chair and started rotating my body. I closed my eyes and really FELT what was going on in my hips. And suddenly, I found those deep, inner hip muscles that are supposed to be used for turnout. I knew I wasn't finding them correctly before, so I'd just put my feet in a small V shape for first position, not even trying to turnout for fear of doing it incorrectly. But now- I was able to feel the muscles I was supposed to be using and could now use the muscle memory to make sure I was doing it correctly at the barre (yes, the barre- the one I built in my living room! More on that later!) When I was done with the first leg, I went to the next and learned where those muscles were and how to access them.

As you can imagine, that was a big deal for me. Sometimes I try to overdo it, but I can tell when I am doing this: the arches of my feet turn inward and my knees don't go directly over my feet. But I'm about 99.999% sure I have accessed them correctly, because when I do use them properly, my feet don't turn inwards and my knees are over my toes when I plié. I also know I am overdoing it when my glutes are crunched together or I can't plié without arching my back awkwardly. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm doing okay with that, though I know I really need a ballet instructor to tell me for sure. I'll stick with what I'm doing for now. 

The main thing, along with flexibility, is STRENGTH. I'm pretty lucky in that I naturally have something close to a "ballet body". I'm not very tall (though not overly short) and I'm naturally skinny: 5'3" with weight fluctuating between 115-119lbs. The only part that doesn't really fit is my chest size (34D). Luckily, the leotards I have purchased flatten me down quite a bit. And... well... they're actually implants, so if I ever magically become a prima ballerina, I'll take those babies out! :) I was concerned with them until I started seeing all of the different body types who take ballet- and some of them, like the Remedial Ballerina, even PERFORM! Between being in my mid-30s, not being very flexible, not being very strong, never having taken a ballet class (except that one time when I was six and took it at day care... only to come running out crying to my mom when she came to pick me up, telling her I didn't want to take it anymore because... I got sweaty. Yep.), and having fuller breasts, I thought this might be a hobby I do here and there. But now that I know I can have the chance to PERFORM... it's ON now! (I'm very introverted and socially awkward and shy, but put me in a spotlight where I know what I'm doing and I become a different person!)

So that's where I am right now: working my way through Tamra Chace's beginner ballet classes, supplementing her classes with more in-depth videos on tendus, pliés, etc, doing strength training focusing on my lower body and core, and working on my flexibility by stretching a lot. Right now, I've been doing about 1-3 hours of all of this daily for about a week and a half (missing Monday and Tuesday of this week because I wasn't feeling well and came home and crashed until morning) and my goal is to keep that at 2-3 hours daily (sometimes changing out the workouts for hiking with my dog). 

I've still got more to share with you, but it's time to get in a little reading before I hit the barre!

Pointe the Way!

Pointe the Way! My New Obsession with Ballet Begins with Pointed Feet!

Sometime in early September of this year, I started admiring the beauty of ballerinas- their grace and flexibility, especially on pointe, mostly in pictures (not video). Honestly, I was never much of a fan of going to see ballet in person- I've seen several and it wasn't as pleasurable for me as say, theatre. But once I got to looking (especially on Tumblr and Pinterest), I quickly started becoming obsessed. At the time, I really didn't even think about learning ballet- I just wanted to get a pair of pointe shoes and teach myself how to do some of the pretty poses I was seeing- arabesques, promenades, and heck, even just being able to stand there with those perfectly pointed feet!

My first step was totally backwards, and I knew it but didn't care: I wanted the pointe shoes first. I wasn't going to be doing leaps or jumps or anything overly dangerous. Basically, I wanted to pretend for a few minutes here and there- maybe hold onto something and be able to lean forward on one pointed toe.

That perfectly pointed foot! (Svetlana Zhakharova)

I didn't plan to take ballet classes, so there would be no one to tell me how bad it was for me to be en pointe when I knew I wasn't really ready. And besides, it was probably going to be like that other time I purchased a pair of pointe shoes, back when I was like fifteen and wanted to know what it was like to stand in them- I ended up trying them on a time or two and then, well, I don't know whatever happened to those shoes.

So I painfully began my venture to find a pair of pointe shoes I liked. Honestly, I didn't know about foot compression or how tapered toes should affect the decision of which box I needed, or whether or not I needed a hard shank or soft shank. I just wanted a shoe that fit me. So I did something I really don't recommend: trial and error by buying gently used (or even dead) pointe shoes off of eBay, without anything close to a proper fitting.

The first pair I purchased were a pair of dead, unmatched Chacottes from the same dancer. (I wasn't going to be up on them much, so I could see how they'd been broken in and... well, I don't really know my line of reasoning there. Something like I didn't know what broken in felt like, so I could have some that were fully broken in... or whatever. They were a known name brand (I was getting to know those) and they seemed to be in my size- so I bought them. This was September 8.

My Chacottes came in, and actually seemed to fit me somewhat decently (I thought at the time). The length was right, and the toes hurt like hell, but I figured all pointe shoes hurt like hell, and I put in extra padding (makeup pads!) to help reduce some of the pain and to make the length fit a little better. I was very excited the first time I put them on, and would play around with them the next day. I'd scored something decent for my foot the very first try- go me! The following day the foam toe pads had come in, which helped a little... and the gel toe covers came in with the pads- and these helped a lot! I could see where it might help to have another toe cover on my fourth toe (which was being pushed or something), so I ordered another set. Finally, I had something I could work with!

A few days later, I wake up to find that my pitbull puppy had decided to use my new shoes as toys. They were already dead... but now they were destroyed. I knew I'd lucked out on the Chacottes, and wasn't seeing anymore used (read: cheap) ones for sale on eBay.

On September 14, I found a pair that I thought might fit me (meaning to me, at this time, they fit me about like a sneaker: long enough but not too long and wide enough but not too wide): Freed Crowns, size 5. These, too, were dead, but that was okay. I ordered these on the 14th.

On the same day I bought the Freed Crowns, I purchased a pair of black leather no-brand ballet slippers- for stretching. I'd started doing  this twelve-minute splits stretch (to help achieve splits). What prettier way to pose than by incorporating a split? I remember being younger and so jealous of all of my friends who could do splits... even my mother could do a split! but I was not blessed with such natural flexibility. I began doing this video pretty much nightly.

The black shoes came in... and I didn't like them. They LOOKED cute in the photos and they LOOKED cute in person, but they didn't fit my feet right- the size was as right as I could get with this kind of slipper but it bunched up in odd places and didn't look smooth. Luckily- unlike most of my other purchases- these were returnable. I ordered Bloch Dansoft Ballet Pink Leather shoes, size 5B on the 18th.

The Freed Crowns were taking FOREVER to ship. I had no clue when, or if, the seller was ever going to get them out to me. My impatient self purchased a pair of barely used Freed Operas, size 5D, on September 22. They came in on the 25th... and were much too tight.

The Freed Crowns finally came in on the 27th. I believe these were too tight as well. Back to eBay where I'd take another shot in the dark and purchased a pair of Bloch "Synergy Quarter" size YYY that same day. 

Now, during all of this time I was hunting for a pair of pointe shoes that would fit, I was also researching more and more about ballet. I was still able to put on one of the shoes that my dog had chewed up- the shank was still in one piece, unlike the other one- and I was realizing just how much strength it would take to be able to really hold ANY position on pointe. I mean, I knew it was a lot and I knew I'd have to gain some strength, but it didn't really hit me just how MUCH strength those pretty poses actually took.

As I mentioned, I've been to several ballet performances, and while there is no way NOT to admire their beautiful, ethereal movements and grace, it wasn't ever my favorite thing to go see. And never mind that, that was something one had to start in childhood- adults don't do ballet... right?

I started looking up classes in my area, and sure enough- they were all tailored towards children. Except one- I found one adult ballet class. I got online and started searching for other adult ballerinas- people who had started past the conventional younger years. And I found out... that it was a thing! The Adult Ballerina Project had some stories of people even older than my 34 years starting ballet. My favorite blog, though, has been The Remedial Ballerina. Though she is younger than me, she is still much older than is conventional, AND she opened my eyes to ballerinas with different body shapes than one usually sees on stage. I was onto something here...

Back to the shoes: I just knew the Synergy Quarters weren't going to fit. I think the term I used earlier, "shooting in the dark" perfectly sums up what I was trying to accomplish. I decided to... go get properly fitted for a pair of pointe shoes. This might take a little work- I was afraid to go into a dance shop and just tell them I wanted a pair of pointe shoes to play around in. I know I could break an ankle, but I also knew they might be worried about liability or something. And there was no way I could pull off actually TAKING pointe. I'd been learning more about ballet positions and such but didn't know how to hold my body or anything- they'd know right away I was a fraud.

The first place I went to did not have a fitter in- and I'm impatient- I wanted shoes NOW. So I sped to the other shop across town that was about to close in 10 minutes. The lady was super nice and I hated lying to her, but I told her my boyfriend does photography (we're more like friends now, and he DOES do photography) and he wanted to do a photo shoot about ballet, and wanted it to look as genuine as possible, so he wanted me to get fitted for a pair of shoes instead of just buying them. (If I actually pitched this idea to him, he would probably actually be down for it- but I'm not flexible enough and no one really knows about my ballet obsession interest right now, and I want to keep it that way.)

So I tried on pair after pair. They were wrong in some way. I tried on another pair that seemed to fit my foot well- like the Chacottes. I held onto a clothes rack and got onto pointe. My big toe hurt like crazy, but I thought that was normal. She asked me if all of my toes were supported equally. I looked at her quizzically- no. Onto another couple of pairs.

And then... a pair that seemed to fit my foot. It seemed right, so she had me do a second position plie. Seemed okay to me. She had me hold onto the clothes rack and go on pointe. And.... IT DIDN'T HURT!! For all my research, I never knew that 1) the weight could be distributed across all of the toes to some extent and 2) while ballerinas are- in many aspects- pretty close to superhuman, the big toes' pain on pointe is NOT supposed to be like needles being jammed into your toe every time it touches the floor! I was in AWE. Honestly, I really did not know that pointe shoes could be THIS comfortable, even on pointe!!!! YES, those were the pair. I walked out with the Bunheads toe cushions she'd had me use along with my beautiful new Capezio Contemporas. (Interestingly enough, these are one of the pairs that the Remedial Ballerina has found to be comfortable for her. Now that I understand WAY more about pointe shoes- both from knowing first-hand what a good pair feels like and from a much better understanding of foot types and pointe shoe variations that I've learned since that day- it seems like she and I may have a similar foot (not counting the arch strength she has), so I am going to keep up with her journey towards the perfect pointe shoe and give some of her favorites a try... but that's a long way off, for now.)


Part II to follow...